"Something changed..."

"Something changed inside me
broke wide open
all spilled out
Till I had no doubt
that something changed.

Never would have believed it
till I felt it in my own heart
In the deepest part
the healing came

And I cannot make it
And I cannot fake it
And I can't afford it
But it's mine..."
-     Sara Groves

There are times in our lives when we experience an inbreaking of the soul and discover a space deeper and more innocent than we could ever imagine.  It is pure and precious and it feels so infant and new that we are surprised by the finding.  Sometimes we can even be so shaken by the seismic shift it leaves in its wake, that we are never the same.  I am never the same. 

I have included a link to Sara Groves' song "Something Changed" which also includes a few words from Sara herself.  I hope you will treat yourself to sitting through the full four minutes.  It is worth it.

I discovered this song when a friend stopped by the other day to pick up her daughter who had been to the pool with Emma and Clara.  Quite serendipitously she mentioned that she had purchased the DVD of the film "The Ultimate Gift" and asked if I had seen it.  I hadn't...or even heard of it.  She generously handed me her new copy and told me she thought I would like it.  To say that "I did" is a very big understatement.  It touched me deeply.  If you haven't seen it you might want to rent it, and set aside an evening of sacred space to experience its message of hope and redemption.  You will not be disappointed.

I have known what it means to be in these soul-shattering times, and they always seemed to come when I felt most confident and sure --  as if I knew myself and where I was headed.  Those times when I thought I knew what success and failure looked like and how to reach my goals...especially the ones I thought were spiritually motivated and "on target."  Then God steps in, and something comes along...usually some moment of deeper self-awareness...and I am broken open, on my knees in such complete hunger for His guidance and mercy.  These next moments when I am feeling alone and confused...feeling like a failure...is when real salvation happens. Something shifts, and I suddenly know that I can never fail Him as long as I have that hunger for His love...to know it, to feel it, to be it in this world...to live to serve Him.

And when it does happen...when I feel that inbreaking of the soul and I am open and childlike in my longing for His grace...I know it.  And the light that bathes my wounded spirit is as warm and sure as a mother's tears of joy on the face of her newborn.  And it heals something in me, while at the same time awakening me to a new sense of purpose, a new awareness of what really matters...and what doesn't.

And I know I could never have created it for myself...this love for God that seems to come in a rush of overwhelming love for humanity.  And I know I could not fake it...the depth of this aching that has only one need...Him.   And I know I could never afford it...the value of it is more than I could ever imagine earning, accumulating, accruing, beg, borrowing or stealing...it is more vast than the cosmos and more precious than another day on earth.

And I know it is mine....and I am His. 

"...Something so amazing
in a heart so dark and dim
When a wall falls down
and the light comes in

And I cannot make it
And I cannot fake it
And I can't afford it
But it's mine..."

I remember one Sacrament Sunday in church when I was kneeling alone in silence, so aware of my failings and longing to be made whole in Him.  Or as Mary Baker Eddy so accurately describes,

"The baptism of repentance is indeed a stricken state of human consciousness, wherein mortals gain severe views of themselves; a state of mind which rends the veil that hides mental deformity. Tears flood the eyes, agony struggles, pride rebels, and a mortal seems a monster, a dark, impenetrable cloud of error; and falling on the bended knee of prayer, humble before God, he cries, "Save, or I perish."

I ached for peace.  As a congregation we broke the silence with the Lord's Prayer and then returned to our seats.  Tears of repentance poured thorugh me until I heard these words from a loved hymn,

"The longing to be good and true
Has brought the light again..."
- M.A. Dayton

It was my longing to be good and true that was what was bringing light...not my striving to always get it right, and then succeeding nobly, or failing miserably.   In this moment of brokeness I was bathed in the light of His grace...not my own deservedness.  And I remembered what it felt like to be a child who knows she can never lose her Mother's love.

"...a broken and a contrite heart, O God, thou wilt not despise..."
- Psalms 51

thank you Sara...your music broke me open...again,
Kate
Kate Robertson, CS