"we are each other…"

"we are the daughter,
we are the sisters
who carry the water.
we are the mothers
we are the other,
we are each other..."

I don't know where this post is headed -- really. I just know that when one of my daughters sent me this video of Lissie's, "Daughters," I had to show up in front of the keyboard -- and let it rip.

So, here goes. For me, this is all about having each other's back. Not just as sisters, daughters, best friends, and neighbors, but as fellow citizens on a very small planet. And yes, you are right. There is nothing new about this message. Maya Angelou, Mother Teresa, Eleanor Roosevelt, Betty Friedan - most great women - have encouraged this one thing in all the women they hope with forward their legacies: Be kind to one another. You will not achieve anything on your own.

And yet, I see this terrible pattern repeating itself throughout history. Women hurting women. It breaks me. More than most, this is the one thing can make me feel like crawling under the covers for a few days, and never come out. To hear that a woman has thrown another woman under the bus. To hear women encouraging each other to unload a pile of hurt on another woman - behind her back. To hear the drone of gossip -- and trust me, there is no other sound like it -- from another table at the local coffeehouse.

Do men do this? I can't tell you -- I am not a man in a relationship with other men. I don't know what they do or don't do. This is about us. Girls, women, sisters, mothers, friends. We must stop it.

We are each other. That's not just hyperbole. Think about it. To criticize another woman is to fill your own heart and mind with a lesser sense of  womanhood.  This lowered consciousness of any woman, effects the way you feel about all women -- yourself included.

What you hold in thought is projected upon the screen of your own body, face, family, interaction with the world. If I feel disdain for someone -- even when I think it is perfectly justified and reasonable -- everything I look at through that lens is going to be colored by speculation and doubt.

So, today I am holding myself accountable. And yes, I am taking it one day at a time. I can easily attain this better version of me, in a calm, clear hour of prayer -- but can I sustain it for weeks, months, years? I hope so.  I have written a symbol on my hand - with a Sharpie - to remind me that, "Love never loses sight of loveliness," as Mary Baker Eddy promises. Even if I have to rewrite it daily, it will remind me to stop and take stock. To examine my own heart through the lens of a simple axiom:

"When you point a finger at someone,
three more are pointing back at you." 

Whenever I think I am thinking something about someone else, it's not really about them. I am the only one actually harboring those thoughts. I am the one populating my inner landscape with those thoughts. It has nothing to do with the other person. They are just the screen I am projecting my own thinking on. The same with the words I speak, or the negative reactions I allow myself to indulge in -- based on what I think is someone else's behavior.

I love that Mary Baker Eddy gives us this great filter in Science and Health with Key to the Scriptures:

"In a world of sin and sensuality
hastening to a greater development of power,
it is wise earnestly consider
whether it is the human mind
or the divine Mind
which is influencing one." 

The human mind loves to reason. It loves to find reasons. It loves to compare, criticize, and contrast. It loves to sort and compartmentalize -- to file people, places, and things into hierarchies. The human mind wants -- desperately -- to feel important. It's opinions are its greatest currency. 

 The divine Mind on the other hand simply knows. It just knows what is true. It doesn't need to convince, debate, discuss, and pat itself on the back. What is true, is true about everyone. What is a lie, is a lie about no one.

This morning, I read this passage from, In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts by Gabor Maté, and it awakened a new place of compassion in me:

People will jeopardize their lives,
for the sake of making the moment livable.
Nothing sways them from the habit -- not illness,
not the sacrifice of love and relationship,
not the loss of all earthly goods,
not the crushing of their dignity,
not the fear of dying.

The drive is that relentless."
 

I am standing up to this drive. I am going to do everything - in my own life - to not be driven by a need to just "make a moment livable." I will not say something that is not kind, just because it might make me look or feel better -- in that moment. I will not capitulate to pressure, just to make an awkward moment end more quickly. I will try to never -- ever again -- let a harsh word slip, or sarcasm spill, just because it will break the tension. 

 And I will be more patient with you, because I now have a clearer sense of how demanding, and insidious the need to just "make the moment livable" can be.

We are each other. And what I want for my daughters, I want for your daughters. What I want for myself, I want for you. If I want my daughters to have clean water, I must do as much to achieve clean water for a young girl in Burkino Faso, as I would for my own sweet girls. If I want my sister to be treated with respect and dignity by her colleagues, I must treat every woman I interact with, with that same respect and dignity. If I want my dearest friend to be heard when she speaks, I must listen more deeply to my neighbor when she speaks.

There is no you and me, us and them. We are one. We are each other.

offered with Love,

Kate

"never to let them fall…"

"they were true love,
written in stone,
they were never alone,
they were never that far apart…"
- James Taylor

This is the relationship I dreamed about, prayed for, gave my all to. And, I believe, it is the one that we all hope we will find, love our way into, grow up with, and be known for.

I first heard the lyrics to JT's,"Never Die Young," in 1988, and I just knew they were about "us." I thought we were that couple. I thought we could overcome anything. I thought we would be those cute little old people walking hand-in-hand, through town, at sunset.

But we weren't. And we aren't -- at least not with each other.  But I believe we are both a testament to the power of love and hope.  But I digress.  This isn't a post about our divorce. This is a post about Taylor's admonition to "hold them up, hold them up, never to let them fall…" This is an open letter to the residents of every "tough town" he is singing about. This is my plea, and my prayer.

A relationship is not a reality show, playing itself out in real time. It isn't meant to be subject to community Nielsen ratings. It shouldn't be the subject of Siskel and Ebert-like thumbs up/thumbs down assessments. A relationship -- whether it is a marriage, a domestic partnership, or a very good friendship -- is not there for our entertainment. No one is asking for our vote of confidence.

Sometimes, in the midst of the day-to-day, it is hard to separate what is our own reality, from the stories that are being projected onto us.  And sometimes, it is just plain hard.  It is especially difficult to navigate, when we begin to feel the weight of human opinions, speculation, or just the boredom-based chatter that happens when people aren't engaged in the kind of life-expansive charity, social-advocacy, and unselfed community service that keeps them from the chocolate cupboard of gossip.

As I sit here today - listening to this much-loved song - my heart cries out for social self-restraint. For an end to the practice of "everyone used to run them down: 'they're a little too sweet, they're a little too tight…"

Please, please, please -- let's just stop it. Instead let's:

"Hold them up,
hold them up,
never to let them fall
prey to the rust, and the dust,
and the ruin that names us,
and claims us, and shames us
and ruins us all..." 

Because it does you know. When we participate in knocking down someone's relationship or marriage with the kind of so-called harmless comments, speculation, criticism, sarcasm that reality TV promotes as entertaining conversation, we name ourselves as unkind, we claim our sense of ourselves as small-minded, we shame ourselves with gossip and mischief-making, and we ruin our sense of identity as a loving, supportive community -- place to grow and thrive in.

It's time to stop looking for the first crack in a person's spiritual poise, the first fissure in a relationship, the first (or second) mistake -- and jump on it. It's time to stop saying -- to ourselves and others, "see, I told you so." It's time to stop celebrating the widening of relational fault lines with self-congratulatory silent (or audible) surprise, and disdain.

This is not an easy journey. We are all doing it, with as much grace, love, trust, and courage as we know how. The last thing anyone needs is to have the acid of gossip, speculation, and "i knew it all the time…" thrown in.

The Golden Rule is precious and practical. It keeps us safe from becoming another character in a reality TV show of our own making. When we think, speak, do unto (and about) others the way we would want them to think, speak, and do unto (or about) us -- and our partner, spouse, children, family, home, business, we are on safe, holy ground. 

 And in the course of living this Golden Rule, we may just find that leaving other people's relationships alone -- or supporting them by trusting them to Love's wise guidance and protection -- we improve our own relationships, foster new ones, and strengthen our ties to the source of all love.

I love this brief statement from Mary Baker Eddy's last published work, The First Church of Christ, Scientist and Miscellany:

"No mortal is infallible, 
— hence the Scripture,
“Judge no man.” 

We're all a work in progress. And, we are all in this together. We are all trying to find, and live, the kind of love that is a little too sweet, and not too tough. The kind of love that rises from among the detritus of human drama like a big balloon and soars over it with grace. I know I do. I want my relationships to inspire, not entertain.

offered with all my Love -- and prayers,

Kate

"Hold them up..."

"Hold them up, hold them up,
never to let them fall prey
to the dust, and the rust. and ruin
that names us and claims us
and shames us all..."

James Taylor's "Never Die Young" is one of the most sobering songs I've ever felt.  And yes, I really do mean "felt," rather than heard.  This song reaches me in a place that is tender and hopeful and sad all at once.

I used to feel that we were all just a bit like the people in this song: 

"...a little too sweet, a little too tight 

Not enough tough for this tough town.

Couldn't touch 'em with a ten foot pole

No, they didn't seem rattled at all. 

They were fused together body and soul. 

That much more 

with their backs up against the wall."

The bottom line is, that none of us feels immune to the kind of tearing down that these "tough towns" are sometimes so thoughtlessly engaged in.  And it can be so subtle that even when we passively participate -- just by listening -- we think it's harmless...or even deserved.

But it never is.

As part of his Thanksgiving Proclamation for this years (2012), President Barack Obama had this to say about how we might consider treating one another: 

"On Thanksgiving Day, individuals from all walks of life come together to celebrate this most American tradition, grateful for the blessings of family, community, and country. Let us spend this day by lifting up those we love, mindful of the grace bestowed upon us by God and by all who have made our lives richer with their presence."

I've been thinking about this portion of his proclamation, since hearing it in church that day.  And I can't think of any other one thing that would make a bigger difference in the lives of others.

I love the tradition of Hora.  An Israeli (among other cultures) custom often performed  at bar/bat mitzvahs and weddings, in which the honoree(s) are lifted up on chairs during a congregational dance.

Its symbology is similar to the western tradition of asking the wedding guest to vow their ongoing support of the couple --as they make their way in the world as a new family -- by replying, "we do."

But these symbols, traditions, and customs are only as good as our conscientious effort to follow through on these pledges.  

Gossip, rumors, talking about others behind their back -- picking away at the details of someone's personal decisions and choices --  never lifts up those we love, care about.  It never elevates our concept of man.  It never blesses those we are in relationship with as friends, family, neighbors, colleagues or even as fellow citizens of a global community.   And it always leads to tearing someone down.

Even when it is done in the circumspection of our own silent reverie, those negative thoughts about others, begin to tear down our sense of ourselves -- as loving, generous, merciful beings.

I believe that it is especially critical that we "hold up" those who are working so hard to be "in relationship."  Mothers and daughters, husbands and wives, siblings, fathers and sons, neighbors, colleagues, sisters, friends, in-laws, blended families.

These relationships have the potential for being the most amazing laboratories for demonstrating the consistent, enduring, persistent kind of love that seems miraculous to society these days.  This is where unselfishness breeds, where unconditional love blossoms, where forgiveness is given wings.

We can never -- ever -- know what others are facing in the sanctuary of their relationships.  But we can refuse to speculate, wonder, or imagine.   We can walk away from the mental invitation to "be concerned."  We can turn away from society's desire to "know the details." We can hold them up to the sunlight of God's warming Love.  We can hold up -- in our own heart, and to everyone around us -- the best in our fellow beings.  That gentle glimmer of grace, a shimmering slice of something sublimely sweet. 

And we can gently, but firmly, "hang up" when someone is sharing of another person's news.  Wouldn't you rather hear it from them anyway. 

As my friend Carol once said, "I don't share other people's news, it's not mine to share, it's theirs."  Refreshing isn't it!

Holding one another up.  This could just be the best Christmas gift we give eachother this year!

with Love...always,  

Kate

"safe passage...."

“It's not far back to sanity.
At least it's not for me.
And when the wind is right
you can sail away
and find serenity
The canvas can do miracles.
just you wait and see,
Believe me...”

Christopher Cross' "Sailing" has always reminded me of the mercurial waters just off the Chesapeake Bay...snapping sheets, ringing halyards, and learning to call, "coming about..." to an eager crew. It was a summer I'll never forget.

But it was also the first song that came to mind this morning after our “staff inspirational.” Tiffany had shared a spiritual concept that she’d heard from another counselor. And I’ve been considering it’s message all day. She spoke about:

“the importance of giving others
safe passage through your thoughts...”

What a lovely, and powerful, concept.

Thoughts of others cross my mental waters throughout the day...and night.

But Tiff's comment is asking me to consider, "What environment am I providing for their passage?"

Will they face the harsh and lowering storms of judgment, self-righteousness, opinions, and criticism? Or will they find safe passage on the peaceful, encouraging waters of kindness, compassion, understanding, meekness, and non-judgment?

Will their crossing be expectant of good and full of hope, or will they face the unseen (and often unheard) dangers of sharp comment, gossip, doubt, or criticism?

I remember a time when I knew I'd made some pretty unnecessary navigational errors in my own life journey. And even though I was willing to be a stalwart, tireless sea woman...drop my sails, push off from the shoals, and limp my way back towards the nearest harbor to re-stock, repair, and re-chart my course according to God’s timeless Principle of Love...I was afraid.

It wasn’t my own mistakes that made me hesitant about attempting the crossing again...I now knew how to more effectively read the Bible - "the chart of Life," and use the timeless buoys of the Ten Commandments, to thoughtfully, and safely, make my way back out towards open water. No, I wasn't afraid I would make the same errors in judgement again, that kept me tied in knots, it was my concern about being pulled into someone else’s mental waters that terrified me.

How could I navigate wisely? Would it be possible to leave harbor without notice? Could I slip silently through the shipping lanes undetected? Was it possible to avoid the shoals of opinion, cynicism, and doubt...even my own?

Well, I've learned that I can't control what anyone else is thinking about me. Or as Melba Beals helped me see:

"What you think of me
is none of my business,
how I think of you,
is all that matters."

How someone else is thinking is not my business...it between them, and God. But I can take responsibility for the way I think of myself, and others. And this in-vironmental activism has made all the difference. I can find a core stillness...based in the presence and power of Love...that allows for the kind of peace one needs in order to clearly hear the voice of the Captain of our souls saying, "come about..." or "tighten the mainsail..." This sea of a still, trustful, and accepting heart is what I am striving for every day.

"The Daily Prayer," from the Articles on "Discipline" in Mary Baker Eddy's Manual of the Mother Church – The First Church of Christ, Scientist, has become a critical instrument for testing the barometric balance within my thought:

“Thy kingdom come;
let the reign of divine Truth, Life, and Love
be established in me;
and rule out of me all sin.
And may Thy Word,
enrich the affections of all mankind
and govern them.”

It is the North Star by which I not only find my own way, but establish safe passage for others.

Trusting that God’s Word is governing “all mankind,” impartially, and universally, through His infinite, irresistible, relentless capacity to enrich our affections for good, for peace, for integrity, for salvation...for Him...leaves my heart a calm, peaceful sea where the gentle and insistent winds of Spirit [pneuma, wind] gives safe passage to all who enter my thoughts.

Thinking of myself as a wise, alert, compassionate harbor master, and letting others find safe passage through my thoughts, is already becoming a wonderful way of thinking about how I can do a better job of loving my neighbor as myself.

may you always find safe passage in my heart...with Love,

Kate

"I heard it through the grapevine..."

"…It took me by surprise I must say,
when I found out yesterday.
Don't you know that
I heard it through the grapevine
And I'm just about to lose my mind…"
- Whitfield/Strong

This is one messy, messed up topic.  Rumors, gossip, insinuation…nasty stuff.  I am absolutely certain that I would rather have someone come up to me and slap me in the face than talk about me behind my back.  I believe that there is nothing so hurtful and damaging as "character assassination by inference, insinuation, and innuendo."  You know how it goes don't you?  Someone's name comes up in conversation, or in connection with a job opening, an appointment, or just as a common point of reference, and rather than say nothing, we feel we have to give some sort of response so we say, "Well, I really don't know anything for sure, but I have heard…"  Or, ""I really can't say much, but her name came up recently and…"   These are the conversations that leave me feeling disappointed in myself. There are so many beautiful, interesting, inspiring and enlightening ideas to talk about with a friend or acquaintance. Why are we talking about someone else, when we coud be using that time together to get to know one another better? To hear each other's heart, to share insights, to comfort and encourage the friend that is right in front of us, rather than talk about someone who isn't there at all. It's such a missed opportunity...such a waste. 

But how can we blame ourselves or others for what we are encouraged to think is entertaining and funny?   We live in a culture that devours, publishes and rewards gossip.  Rumors are our new chocolate.  We listen to endless radio sound bytes, watch countless hours of television's hottest gossip shows…you know the ones, where two or three fashionistas ask, "who wore what to the Grammy's" and "how ugly was that dress" or "is so-and-so really pregnant or has she just gained weight?". We read gossip magazines at the grocery store counter, even if it's just the headlines on the cover, while we wait in line. Reality shows allow us to be voyeurs peeking into the lives of the rich and famous, the desperate and disenfranchised, the once famous, but now forgotten hoping for another moment in the sun.

We are surrounded by it.  It is the latest joke.  Late-night talk-show hosts make a very handsome living delivering our end of day dose of meanness in monologues that are republished in Sunday New York Times…but only if they are really good…at being really unkind.

About five years ago I joined an International organization, Words Can Heal, whose mission statement reads:

"Words Can Heal is a national campaign to eliminate verbal violence, curb gossip and promote the healing power of words to enhance relationships at every level."

Like others who are passionate about this organization, I've devoured its handbook, and joined in the army of volunteers who are giving talks, hosting workshops, writing for online/print publication and campaigning tirelessly for mindfulness in conversation, I think of this organization as the Greenpeace of the conversational environment.  But no matter how many of us were joining this anti-gossip/rumors/insinuation coalition, the floodgates of hell (and I can't think of anything more devilish than talking behind someone's back) overflowed our levies and drowned our voices as we begged for self-censure or silence.

I still belong to this amazing organization.  I am honored to link arms with thought-leaders like Senators Lieberman, Biden, Daschle, Kerry, McCain, Schumer, Kemp and Hastert, Congresswoman Ros-Lehtenin,  actors Goldie Hawn, Noah Wylie, Susan Sarandon, music producer Quincy Jones, and many, many more scholars,  businessmen/women , scientists, and reformers who know that words count.  I highly recommend visiting our website at: www.wordscanheal.org 

We are at a vital juncture in history.  In this country we are facing an election for president that is unprecedented.  We will witness a national event, with international consequences,  that could change the course of history…and we are in jeopardy of it turning into a gossip slinging, innuendo insinuating, rumor mongering cat fight.

I have loved what this race was.  I am disheartened by what it is becoming.  I am not as concerned with seeing "my candidate" win, as I am with the frustration and discouragement I am observing in many young voters who were excited about participating in this process of "one man, one vote."  The worst scenario for this election will be a disenfranchised young voter base.  When I talk with my young friends about  what they are feeling most discouraged about, it is the gossip, the endless hours of cable and network news anchors/pundits stirring up distrust and keeping ugly words alive by playing sound bytes over and over again. 

Yes, I know that this is the same generation that cut their teeth on MTV's Real World and countless snipey sit-coms where talking about one's friend behind their back got you a whole lotta laugh track.  But like the rest of us,  they want more from their leaders…and their parents and teachers.   They want kindness, generosity, grace…humanity.

They have hope that we can be better, do it differently, and in turn, make a difference.

Two Sundays ago The New York Times Magazine had a short piece by Farhad Manjoo buried on page 22 titled, "Rumor's Reasons."  It answered a very interesting question for me.  I have often wondered why, when the truth is "out there" and has been offered as a rebuttal to a rumor or a lie, is it so hard to eradicate the falsehood.... why it seems that a candidate who knows that what they are saying to smear an opponent is not true, continues to repeat that same rumor over and over again,  in stump speeches, and in interviews. 

Manjoo turned to Norbert Schwarz, a psychologist at the University of Michigan who worked with Ian Skurnik in 2003 on a study to determine how and why we continue to believe false information when the truth has been presented to us, for answers.  Schwarz states, "Consider for starters, this paradox of social psychology, a problem for myth busters everywhere: repeating a claim, even if only to refute it, increases its apparent truthfulness."  Skurnik and Schwarz asked a focused group of participants to view a series of health warnings that were  indentified as either true or false.  A few days later the participants were quizzed on what they had learned.  "It was expected that the participants would mistakenly remember some false statements as true.  What was remarkable, though, was which claims they most often got wrong – the ones they had been exposed to multiple times.  In other words, the more researchers had stressed that a given warning was false, the more likely the participants were to eventually come to believe it was true."

To understand this turnabout, Schwarz explains, "…to determine the veracity of a given statement, we often look to society's collective assessment of it.  But it is difficult to measure social consensus very precisely, and our brains rely, instead, upon a sensation of familiarity with an idea.  You use a rule of thumb:  'you've heard it before, and if you've heard it before, it must be true.'  The participants in the study couldn't remember the context in which they had heard the health warnings (research shows that we are quick to forget the 'negation tags' that tell us if something shared is false or a lie) so they relied, instead, on a vague sense of familiarity, which steered them astray."

Oh my gosh…am I ever grateful to know that we can appeal to a higher sense of Mind to be governing man.  We can know that Mind, God is the only Interpreter, the only Clarifier, the only Communicator. 

The NYT Magazine article helped me see that it is a false sense of mind based on psychological amnesia and a "vague sense of familiarity" that gossip appeals to for life. 

I am grateful to know that when I watch one candidate repeating a false claim in a hundred different ways, as in "Well, as far as I know so-and-so isn't an Oompa Loompa" or "I trust her when she says she didn't live with Oompah-Loompahs," that these back-handed statements are just pandering to this false sense of mind which relies on that vague sense of familiarity…that "hmm, haven't I heard so-and-so connected to Oompah Loompas before...well, I guess it must be true" thinking in order to promote the perpetuation of rumor.  Once I identify the false assumption,  I can joyfully acknowledge that God is only real voice capable of asserting itself as truth in the hearts and minds of Its constituency directly, firmly, and persistently,  thus stamping this accurate spiritual version of truth with its seal of divine veracity.

As a spiritual community of thinkers from vastly different traditions, we can rest assured that God, Mind, is the great Imperative.  As Mary Baker Eddy says in the preface to Science and Health with Key to the Scriptures:
"...God with us"  -- [is] a divine influence ever present in human consciousness...repeating itself, coming now as was promised aforetime,

'to preach deliverance to the captives [of sense],
And recovering of sight to the blind,
To set at liberty them that are bruised."

God, Truth "with us," is all that is repeating itself.   It is "God with us" (not just me...or you) that is correcting rumors, silencing slander, censuring gossip, and in doing so delivers everyone from the bonds of misunderstanding, helps us recover our right to view of others lovingly, and liberates us from feeling bruised and battered by misinformation that leaves us all sitting on opposite ends of the couch licking our wounds.

We are not psychological puppets being jerked around by a "vague feeling of familiarity." We are spiritual thinkers governed by a Mind, God who is Love.  We have Truth leading us to use words that heal and unify instead of speaking, listening to, or ruminating over words that hurt and leave us separated and wounded.

In the Words Can Heal handbook there is a great quote:

"Great minds discuss ideas;
Average minds discuss events;
Small minds discuss people.
- Author unknown

How grateful I am to know that we all have the Mind of God as the source of our thinking…a Great Mind…the only Mind!  I am discovering that whenever I am invited to talk about someone, it's a sure indication that it's time for me to talk to them.

The Words Can Heal website has a great pledge you can sign,  By signing you are enlisting in an army of thinkers committed to healing the world's wounds "one word at a time." 

humbly offered...one word at a time,
Kate