"a great magnet pulls all souls towards the truth..."

"...Maybe a great magnet pulls
all souls toward the truth
Or maybe it is life itself
that feeds wisdom
to its youth..."

I was listening to k.d. lang's "Constant Craving" this evening as it shuffled through my ipod playlist and was struck by the feeling of hope and sorrow, joy and regret, desire and satisfaction it seems to evoke...all at once.  At the same time I came across this poem from "another lifetime" and together they seemed to speak to me of  "that one true thing" which my friend, Sandy, reminded me of a few weeks ago, when he said,  "we are all, always, just seeking wholeness." 

"Yes," I thought, "this is true."  In my times of sorrow and joy, pain and delight, fear and courage...I am always  "just seeking wholeness."  When my search is focused within my own being, I am in a space of hope...when I let that search for wholeness wander beyond the bounds of my own consciousness...that space of inner stillness where the "never-the-less-ness" of my relationship with God is intact...I feel fear, sorrow, regret. 

And yet, even then, I am whole.  Because God is all and everywhere, even in my moments of despair and anguish, confusion and doubt, I am sent deeper and deeper into the search for this wholeness which is always calling to me...into the only space where wholeness can ever really be found...within.   And it is in this "within" space that I find that sorrow and joy are not polar opposites, but inverted images which remind us that we have known the truth, even when all we can see is its reverse.

Our experience is not half sorrowful and half joyous...but a wholeness that is always intact, because God is always present. The moments that seem ripe with frustration are the perfect canvas on which to paint our patience. The days that appear dreary, are but a reminder of how much we love the sunlight. How else could Mary Baker Eddy write, "Sorrow is salutary." or "Trials are proofs of God's care." Hmmm....so much to ponder tonight...

Kahlil Gibran wrote:

"When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight."

The heartache of a broken friendship stems from the same relationship that once brought the greatest joy...or it wouldn't hurt so badly.  Remembering this, I can go deeply into my heart's archives and resurrect those sentiments that once gave impulse to generosity and selflessness.  Once found, I am able to dust them off, polish them up, and put them back where they belong, into the repertoire of my heart's utility. 

Discovering this poem tonight, I am reminded of how that moment of misunderstanding and regret that gave birth to my realization of all that I'd originally known of love through that friendship. It led to this simple doorway towards healing. It was a precious gift...I share it here:


my heart stops

our
silken, buttery
words

soft with
sweetness of
intent and
gentle
humor
has cut like a hot knife...
precise
and accurate...
we know
each other
so
well

sharp,
serrated,
no nonsense,
sans serif
characters

just the right
words
lined up like
small tin soldiers
with painted smiles
peeling in the
harsh light of
"well-meaning"
helpfulness

in their hands...
unbeknownst to us...
flower-disguised
bayonets
stand
ready to
pierce and
poke
at
something  we thought
was
strong
and safe...

but
discovered
was 
a softer,
more vulnerable
space than
we ever
even guessed

misunderstandings
judgments
assumptions
conclusions
convictions
hurt
penalties
rejection
distance
distance
distance

lines drawn
in
cold,
hard, wet
sand

I want to hold
my
breath
until my heart
stops
beating

until the
words disappear
with the
absence of air

until
sadness,
guilt,
regret
dissipate like
hovering
fog
in the quiet
harbor
just before dawn
on a late
June morning
in Maine

the fear of
misunderstanding...
or having
been misunderstood...
lingers in the
air

a palpable
pressure
on
the surface tension of
our friendship

but there is
something
else
that begins
to
rise
from that dark
cold pool of
regretted,
and regrettable,
words

it
radiates out

it
presses up against
the descent of
sorrow
and loss

and
I think
it is
hope

yes,
it is hope...

and
suddenly I
can
see
that
she is,
I am,
we are
all,
only
children
with
tender hearts

the truth is,
we are
the innocent
seeking
something so
simple

we
want to
feel
understood and
trusted


we want it
more than we
want to
be right

we only
want to
be
known

this
simple
knowing of myself
as I am known
stops the pain.

I am
breathing
again

long, deep
thirsty
draughts of
hope and
promise

so I
pick up
the phone
and
hope
and
hope
and
hope...

and when she
answers:

"Hi...I'm sorry..."

offered with Love,
Kate
Kate Robertson, CS

"wide open like a lake..."

"...Let the noise and clamor cease
Be still and know that He is God
Be still and know that He is faithful
Consider all that He has done
Stand in awe and be amazed
And know that He will never change
Be still and know that He is God
Be still
Be speechless..."
- Steven Curtis Chapman

On a day like today...raindrops streaming down the sides of the birdfeeder outside the kitchen window like giant tears falling from heavy gray clouds, the bare black branches of still leafless trees reaching out with dark knuckled fingers, pointing to an empty heaven...on a day like this, there is no time or space for me.  In an instant, I find myself on a tender journey back to an early spring morning almost two dozen years ago, and I am as empty as a discarded barn swallow's nest.

It is in the sanctuary of this space that Steven Curtis Chapman's "Be Still," reminds me that, as Kahlil Gibran wrote:

"The deeper sorrow carves into our being,
the more joy we can contain."  

That spring, the son we were in the process of adopting had been taken back by his birthmother, relationships seemed shattered, my body was riddled with a life-threatening disease, I'd given up my career to be a full-time mother, and we lived in a remote summer community that was practically empty until June. 

As I sat on the sofa in the living room, looking out at the lake our property sloped down to, I wondered why my body still had the ability to function and move.  I moved my fingers and was surprised to see them express life.  I felt absolutely empty and lifeless within, had already accepted the final stages of my disease, and almost wished it would hurry up and put me out of my misery. 

I'd called a friend, who was also my teacher in Christian Science, the night before and told him that I didn't know why I was still alive.  He had chuckled kindly, and suggested that I sit quietly and listen for God's desire in my life...since, as he reminded me,  I was still living, so I might as well live with some sense of spiritual reason.  I agreed that this might be a good idea, and promised to give it my whole heart.

And I did.  I sat in the same place, practically in the same position, all night long with my eyes closed just listening and praying.  I heard nothing.  Nothing.  It was an inspiration-free zone.  My thoughts felt as empty as my body and my life. Deteriorating health, all alone, no job, no purpose...and most devastating, no baby.

Dawn came, and with it the realization that I hadn't heard anything and I was just as empty and in pain as I had been the day before.  I felt exhausted and hopeless.  That was when Winnie, our sweet puppy "daughter," sidled over and nudged my elbow with her nose...over, and over, and over again.  No matter how many times I suggested she "just go lie down,"  she kept returning.  So, I gave in and pulled on a pair of jeans under my flannel nightgown, a pair of boots over my wool socks, and opened the breezeway door leading out into forest just beyond the brick-paved walkway. 

Winnie was a hunting dog, so her normal path from "here to there" was to weave her way through the brush and bramble...stopping every few moments to point a squirrel or flush out a bunny.  But this morning she made a b-line for the lake's shoreline.  And once she arrived, her nose was down and her entire attention was focused on whatever was at the water's edge.  And no matter how many times I called to her, she ignored me and kept her complete focus on whatever she saw in the shallow water at the edge of the lake.

I made my way down the hill, reached her side, and got down on my haunches to see what had her attention.  But all I could see was my own face clearly reflected in the still surface of the lake at dawn...and everything that was just below the surface...tiny minnows, pebbles, and bits of grass. 

That was when a divine message finally came through, and it came through with such striking clarity that I was knocked back onto my bottom.  "This is what I want you to be...as still as this water..."like this lake*,"...  In this stillness you will be able to see what is true within yourself, and anyone who is in your presence can see the truth of who they are in the stillness of your being, a stillness that only reflects truth and never attracts attention for your ego...or their's."   

And then, on the heels of that message,  in that very moment a strong wind picked up and within seconds the entire lake was choppy and disturbed.  And at the water's edge all was foamy and obscured.  I couldn't see my own reflection or anything below the surface. 

The message continued, "And this is what happens when you allow yourself to be stirred up by emotion, anger, and drama."  The message was as clear and pointed as it could have been.  As Winnie wandered off into the nearby bramble to search for bunnies, I stayed at the water's edge transfixed on the moment, begging for direction.

"But just tell me what you want me to be, and I will be the best "it" there has every been.  If you want me to be a mom send me a child.  If you want me to be a wife, bring my husband home.  If you want me to be a career woman, tell me what job to focus on.  If you want me to be a healer, a poet, a lawyer, a writer, an artist, a publisher, a teacher...just tell me, and I will be it, and I will give it my everything.  Just tell me!"

But God said, "You aren't supposed to be just one thing forever.  You are my All-in-all.  You have all that it takes to be whatever I need you to be at any given moment.  You cam be all that you have asked, and more that you can ever even imagine.  Just like the water in the lake...just as every single drop of water is made up of H2O.  Two hydrogen molecules and one oxygen molecule, you, as my reflection...my child...are all that I am.  You have the same elemental balance that I have...I am Principle, Mind, Soul, Spirit, Life, Truth, and Love to the infinite degree and measure, so are you.  You are not a portion of my being, but the allness of all that I am."

I was suddenly reminded of a statement in Science and Health with Key to the Scriptures by Mary Baker Eddy which assures each of us that: 

"As a drop of water is one with the ocean,
a ray of light one with the sun,
so God and man, divine Principle and idea,
are one in being."

I got it.  I could be anything God wanted me to be in any moment.  Just as a drop of water could be refreshing, nourishing, cleansing, purifying, buoying, serve as ballast, revive a man thirsting in the desert...depending on the demands of the moment...I had all the qualities and attributes as part and parcel of my being in infinite measure, just waiting to be drawn upon.  In a fishbowl a drop of water is the breath of life to a little goldfish. On the tip of your tongue the same drop of water is refreshing, on a child's dirty face it is cleansing, It's individuality and identity are defined by the demands of a moment and the context it finds itself in.  The water doesn't decide to be refreshing, it doesn't get a degree in being cleansing and then is only capable of serving in that capacity.  Any drop of water is able to do any water-like function.

God was telling me that this was true of my identity....and not only mine, but it was the truth about each of us...impartially and universally.  We are all identical with God's character and nature.  We don't bring a measured portion of God's allness to each moment as our unique identitiy,  talent base, or skill set.  The moments and opportunites themselves, draw from our infinite individuality what is needed or required of us in any given moment or situation.   And sometimes it is what we least feel we have to give, that we most need to learn about ourselves...humility, grace, patience, meekness, kindness, non-judgment...which we find being  called forth.

All I needed to be was still....not just peaceful, quiet, and motionless, but constant, changeless-in-my-allness, and nevertheless...nevertheless than the allness of God's being in each and every moment.  This never-the-less-ness was the river-like being, the selfhood and identity, I would one day realize was my only purpose and calling.  That was over two decades ago, and I think that I am just starting to "get it".

A friend recently gave me this poem by poet, William Butler Yates, as a blessing...and as a gift:

"We can make our minds
so like still water
that  beings gather about us
that they may see
their own images,
and so live for a moment
with a clearer,
perhaps even with a fiercer life
because of our quiet."

Thank you dear friend...

In stillness...always and never-the-less,
Kate
Kate Robertson, CS


*And here are the lyrics to Sara Groves' "Like a Lake" (linked above):

"so much hurt and preservation
like a tendril round my soul
so much painful information
no clear way on how to hold it

when everything in me is tightening
curling in around this ache
I will lay my heart wide open
like the surface of a lake
wide open like a lake

standing at this waters edge
looking in at God's own heart
I've no idea where to begin
to swallow up the way things are

everything in me is drawing in
closing in around this pain
I will lay my heart wide open
like the surface of a lake
wide open like a lake

bring the wind and bring the thunder
bring the rain till I am tried
when it's over bring me stillness
let my face reflect the sky
and all the grace and all the wonder
of a peace that I can't fake
wide open like a lake

everything in me is tightening
curling in around this ache
I am fighting to stay open
I am fighting to stay open
open open oh wide open
open like a lake "

[photo credit: Gabe Korinek 2010 all rights reserved]