"impossible things..."

"You heal the broken-hearted,
You set the captive free,
You lift the heavy burden,
and even now, You are lifting me..."

Ahhh -- friday afternoon.  A welcome milestone, set in a week that has seemed like one spiritual demand being placed on top of another. I could feel that I needed something to really lift my heart. Chris Tomlin's "Impossible Things," was perfect. I found myself singing along, hands raised, body moving -- shouting His praise.

In Chris' Facebook post, he introduces this song of praise with these words:

"During times of trial,
we must retrace the steps of our journey
and remember, God has already done
the impossible in us through His Son."  

Yes, we have the right to remember what we have already witnessed - and experienced - of His power. I remember an afternoon almost 20 years ago when I was feeling so overwhelmed I didn't want to leave the Borders Bookstore Cafe where I was hiding out from my life. There, everything was orderly, someone made hot chocolate that was the perfect temperature, no one spilled juice on my books, or started crying to be held -- the minute I closed my eyes in prayer.

I wanted to give myself ten more minutes before heading back into the storm that was our home with toddler twins. I stood up and walked over the the nearby magazine rack. The latest edition of Oprah's magazine was on display. I picked it up and returned to my neat little table. The last page was always a note from Oprah. I liked reading them first. This one was about the past.

Oprah explained that there had been many years when looking back at her life's journey was fraught with anxiety and pain. The timeline was punctuated with milestone moments. One day she realized that each of those moments was one of abuse, heartache, and fear. There were few, if any, good milestones on that timeline. So she resisted looking back. That didn't mean that the past didn't haunt her, just that she didn't choose to visit it with intention.

That changed the day that she discovered that her timeline was not something she felt in control of. She decided that she would draw out that timeline and put those milestones in place, but that she would go right back to those memories and find something good -- some indication of God's presence in each of those "chapters," of her life.

She said that it took almost a year, but she did it. She reclaimed each of those milestones for God. This so resonated with me.

I will never forget one of the examples she gave. She said that one day she decided it was time to revisit the sexual child abuse she'd suffered at the hand of a family member. It took her a very deep dive into that chapter of her life, but she finally found it, the presence of God. She realized that even in the midst that dark time, she knew that what was happening to her was not right. She had the wisdom to know right from wrong. It was enough to redeem that dark time. Her timeline was forever rewritten.

That was enough for me. I decided to do the same thing. I drew out my timeline and I placed the milestones along the way. And like Oprah, I discovered that mine were all hauntingly dark and negative. Then I took the next few years to go back and reclaim each one for God -- for good.

That chapter after my dad was killed and my family was so desperate for resources, became a chapter filled with creativity and care for one another. The moments that had haunted me with heartbreak became life pages filled with comforting friends and self-discovery.

In the book of Revelation, John promises that:

"The kingdoms of this world
are become the kingdoms of our Lord,
and of his Christ; and he
shall reign for ever and ever."  

Right where the world has tried to stake its claim on our hearts, we have the authority to evict the usurper, cast out the trespasser, and reclaim that real estate on our timeline for God. My timeline was like a volume of Grimm's Fairy Tales when I started -- ogres, demons, bad choices, and very few happy endings. Today it is filled with parables of intuition, testimonies to humility, stories of spiritual growth, forgiveness and grace. If I can do this, anyone can.

In each of our lives, there are moments we want to forget. Moments when we coulda, shoulda, woulda -- if only we'd known better. There are moments when we have felt helpless or hopeless. But these self-repeated false versions of our life story only ratify the world's claim that we are self-creators and that God is helpless in most instances and completely absent in many. So much for an omnipotent and omnipresent God.

We don't have to consent to this hi-jacking of our lives. We can take each moment back for God. And when we do so, we bring that moment back into our present conscious experience, and rewrite it forever. This becomes the current edition. And this is the one we can remember without fear.

Yes, God has done "impossible things" in our lives. Some of those impossible things might seem like life-altering events, and others may only seem like another day when the sun rose again in the east. But it rose. It was there. And you glimpsed its light, you felt its warmth, you were inspired by its constancy -- it was enough. You don't need to have dramatic miracles -- only those moments we you felt the presence of good -- however faintly -- and you knew you were there.  The milestones have been set in order -- like cairns that stand the test of time.

Here, the timeline becomes a lens through which every moment is alive wth possibility for redemption and the promise of impossible things -- remembered.

offered with Love,

Kate

The overturning of the "soul"...

“Sow in the morn Thy seed,
At eve hold not Thy hand;
To doubt and fear give Thou no heed;
Broadcast it o’er the land…”
- John Montgomery

So as promised, here is a continuation of Monday’s discussion with my girlfriends at the college (scroll down to see the Tuesday's post) and some of the ways this conversation about “feelings” has sparked a deep dialogue within my own heart.

So there we were talking about redeeming feelings that at one time in our lives or another had defined themselves as negative: fear, worry, depression…and reclaiming them for God…the ONLY Cause and Creator in our lives, and the subject of discomfort came up.  What about those feelings of discomfort, hurt and pain.  Are those redeemable?

Hmm…as I sat there thinking about my own experiences with these feelings, I could not help but have those questions land smack in the middle of the environment of my spiritual study from that morning.  I had been pondering, again…as it happens to be a long-time favorite of mine…Jesus’ parable of the man, the householder, who sows good seed in his field and up springs not only the intended wheat, but also tares…weeds. 

I was in an agrarian state of mind.  My thought was full of farming metaphors and analogies.  Everything was translating into fields, pastures, seed, rakes, hoes, shovels, weeds….and so this question about feelings of discomfort was plopped right into the middle of that thinking.

And what came so naturally to thought…right as we were talking…was the question, “How comfortable must it be for the earth, the ground that comprises the garden, to have a shovel poked into it’s nice quiet, winter fallow soil?”  It is probably pretty unsettling, quite flip-floppying to have a hoe come along and lift up the topsoil and dig down deep.  I bet it’s comfortable to just lie there, undisturbed and quiet in the warm Spring sunshine.  I know how much I like it when I can lie completely still under my quilts and not move the slightest…drifting in and out of slumber and dreaming.  I don’t like it when someone rips those nice warm quilts, worn and soft from years of snuggling, right off my dreamy self and I have to get up and get to work.

But without that letting go of our comforts…that turning over of the soil…the garden will not take new seed, it will continue to lie fallow, the seed will be washed away by the first Spring rain, and the water will just become run-off, not able to penetrate the hard compacted earth.  The earth, which has all the potential to become a garden…will remain a dry, weed infested (because that is all that can survive in fallow soil) plot.  But with the hoeing, turning, plowing…they earth can accept the seed, it can hold the water and then the flowers, fruits and vegetables can grow... providing beauty and sustenance for the community.

I became so excited about sharing this metaphor with my friends that it all just spilled in a rush..  How many times had my life been turned upside down just before I had learned new lessons, taken exciting new steps, or found unexpected beauty and grace in my life or in the kindness of others.  How often had the precursor to deep spiritual insights felt like pain, fear, uncertainty, a profound and utter shaking up of my comfort.  Had these feelings really been the hoeing of my heart readying it for new seed, greater harvest gifts that could...and would... feed a waiting world.

Had I merely interpreted them as pain, sorrow, fear…when really they were the first lispings of God’s unimaginable promise.

All of a sudden my life shifted into greater focus.  Almost as if I suddenly could see that the prophecy from John was being delivered directly to me:

“Verily, verily, I say unto you, That ye shall weep and lament,
but the world shall rejoice: and ye shall be sorrowful,
but your sorrow shall be turned into joy. 
A woman when she is in travail hath sorrow,
because her hour is come:
but as soon as she is delivered of the child,
she remembereth no more the anguish,
for joy that a man is born into the world.”

For me this suddenly made sense.  If I were in labor with a child, the onset of that labor would mean something so wonderful and sweet.  I could love and embrace those feelings of discomfort, with joy. 

I realized that I could do this with the feelings of loneliness, fear, sorrow, doubt…that had been the onset of my own labor in birthing (or unselfing) a better sense of “self”…one that recognizes God as its only Cause and Creator…the only I AM that ever will be.  I could just as easily define those “feelings” as excitement, promise, the anticipation of great growth. 

I remember when I was little (and I was little…4’6” as a freshman in high school) I was so happy when my shoes became too tight and were uncomfortable.  This meant that I was growing.  I didn’t want to be a “little person”… I wanted to be tall enough to dance with a ballet company.  And 4’6” dancers didn't present the optimum visual aesthetic for Balanchine ballerinas in the 1960s.  That discomfort made me happy.  I wanted to outgrow those old shoes.

Today I want to outgrow old garments of behavior and thinking that no longer fits.  I want the discomfort of no longer being self-satisfied with that old view of myself…and others.  I long for the great Farmer to dig in his hoe and break through any hard, fallow thinking I may have become satisfied or comfortable with…and prepare my heart for His seed.

Bring it on!

So…these were the ideas we shared, as well as some others I have been cherishing this week. 

As my grandmother once said, “You don’t long for the Comforter…when you are comfortable”.  It’s true...when the temperature in my house is comfortable…I’m not as inclined to go searching for my comforter…and when my life is comfortable…I’m not as hungry for The Comforter. 

So…I think I am going to take those feelings of being unsettled, worried, uncertain…and reclaim them for God.  I will allow my spiritually longing self to redefine them.  These are now feelings of being shaken from a fallow rut…thank you God, of being hungry for the real sustenance of knowing His ever-present care rather than confidence in my own ability to “survive”…thank you God, of a deep desire to feel the peace that comes from surrender rather than control…thank you God. 

And thanks to my friends for a great conversation on Monday morning.

“A grateful heart a garden is
Where there is always room
For every perfect God-like grace
To come to perfect bloom…”
- Ethel Wasgatt Dennis

With Love,
Kate (still missing Jeff's editing)