"Lonely through the woods...."

"Have you ever wandered
lonely through the woods?
And everything there
feels just as it should.
You're part of the life there.
You're part of something good.
If you've ever wandered lonely
through the woods..."

Yesterday, Heather shared Brandi Carlile's "Have You Ever," with us on Facebook, and it was one of those deliciously lovely moments of divine serendipity that make me smile in collaboration with the universe.  Thank you Heather, it's the perfectly perfect compliment to this story.  It's just one slice of a much larger healing experience, one that has been told in little bits and pieces over the last six years on this blog. But here it is.

It was late summer/early fall...years and years go...and my life was utterly falling apart.  It seemed like all of my relationships were in shambles.  I was depressed and I couldn't seem to pull out of an emotional nosedive.  I felt like I was watching a trail of dominoes falling one-by-one, moving towards a crashing finale.   But I was so filled with terror that all I could do was watch it happen right before my eyes. 

Every conversation was painful.  Socializing was agony. 

In the midst of it all, I was lined up to host a large gathering of friends, family, and colleagues.  I wanted to be selfless, attentive, thoughtful, courteous, organized, enthusiastic, and loving.   But all I could do was take care of the next task on the list before a paralyzing sense of panic took over and hijacked my ability to function.

Each time I felt on the verge of breaking down, I would excuse myself and go to my room to pray.  But every prayer, every thought, felt so urgent.  It seemed critical that I get on top of my terror, or my whole world would come crashing down around me, while the people I loved were watching.   I just needed to get through the weekend and then I could really focus on finding healing.

But one afternoon, right when I thought I was doing pretty well, someone came up and thanked me for something I'd taken care of for her, and it was just too much gentleness, too much kindness.  In her warmth, I felt myself coming apart at the seams. 

I excused myself and briskly walked into the woods.  I had to get as far away from things as I could.  I mindlessly bushwhacked my way through brush, over rocky trails, and followed a tree-line towards the ridge.  I thought it would be private enough there for...what I hoped...would only be a mini-breakdown.  I would save the tearing-my-hair-out and sobbing-uncontrollably-for-days version of hysteria for the drive home.

I was well out of earshot, and about to let loose with a ragged sob, when I heard an undeniable sound.  It was  unmistakable, irrepressible, burbling-up-from-the-center-of-the-universe booming laughter.  And it sounded just like my good friend, and spiritual mentor.  But this was impossible.  I was absolutely sure that he was thousands of miles away.  I knew, because I was calling him regularly for spiritual support and counsel.  Hearing his laughter stopped me in my tracks.  Was this a miracle?   Some form of divine intervention?  The Holy Spirit overreaching time and space?

I sat on a fallen log and closed my eyes.  At first I asked myself, "Could he really be here?"  No, that wasn't possible.  I'd just spoken with him an hour earlier in his office 2,000 miles away. Was I going mad?  No, I couldn't be going mad, because I was able to think about God, about how loving it was that God would send laughter to remind me of my friend's presence in my life.  To think about God at all, meant that I was thinking about something good, which proved that I had the presence of Mind, God. 

So, I reasoned, if I could "hear" this reminder of my friend's presence in my life...a larger than life bellowing laugh...what was the message behind it?  So I thought some more.  And then I remembered, my friend always laughed like that when I told him that I was facing something scary or horrible.   It was one of the things I appreciated most about him.  He was so sure that God was All-in-all, it left no room for anything but love and joy in the universe.  Any evidence of the absence of God was a ridiculous lie. Laughable.  So he laughed.  And his laughter, in the past, had always pierced the membrane of fear, deflating whatever seemed so big and frightening, only moments before. 

As I listened to the happy sound of wild, capricious guffawing, something started to thaw the icy tightness in my soul. I let the warmth of that laughter wash over me.  I stopped questioning its source.  It was there, that was enough of a miracle for me. 

And it was the beginning of my freedom from the panic, terror, obsessive self-doubt, and depression that had held me in its grip for weeks.  I was going to be fine...no matter what happened.  God loved me...that was enough.  Over the next weeks and months, I would continue to work with these ideas...and laugh at the "lie" of mental darkness...as moment by moment, more light dawned. 

But that afternoon, I returned from the woods with a lighter step, a quieter heart... and so full of hope. 

On my way back to the lodge, I ended up running into a sweet surprise...my mentor's daughter. I hadn't realized she was going to be there that weekend.  As I approached them, she was laughing heartily with a mutual friend.  Her booming laughter was just like her dad's.  I guess that explained the "phenomenon."  But, did that matter to me?  No.  Did it undermine my sense of the "miraculous?"  No.  In fact, it confirmed it.   God had sent her...I was sure of that. 

Hearing laughter in the woods...well, it changed everything.  I knew my friend had a great sense of humor...but I learned God did too.  Laughter broke the mesmerism of terror.  I think laughter is one of God's most wonderful gifts.  Laughter is more contagious than the spread of fear, doubt, or supposition.  Try it.  Laugh and see who laughs with you.  It may just be exactly what they need at that very moment.

In her poem, "Love," Mary Baker Eddy writes:

'Twas Love whose finger trace aloud,
a bow of promise on the cloud."

For me, that bow of promise is the color of laughter, the sound of yellow, blue, pink, purple, aqua...and it when it is heard "aloud," it can lighten the heart.

I hope your walk in the woods this weekend is filled with laughter --  and a divine surprise...

with Love,

Kate
Kate Robertson, CS

"This one's for the girls..."

"This one's for the girls
Who've ever had a broken heart
Who've wished upon a shooting star
You're beautiful the way you are…"
- Martina McBride

This summer is all about girlfriends  I have sensed it since early last winter.  It has been clearer than the little stream just beyond my porch at Crowsnest.  This one's for the girls.

We launched this summer with a great, but all-too-short graduation weekend. Three of our four daughters, as well as with our oldest daughter's girlfriend, my mother-in-law, sister-in-law and our son's girlfriend were with us for not nearly enough talking, eating, laughing and playing games.  What a terrific way to get it all started.  We let the boys join us (okay, so the weekend was really all about our son's graduation) but they ate chocolate and laughed like girls so it was okay.

Today, as I finish packing Clara, Emma, and I up for camp it comes to me over and over again that this really is the summer of being with my girlfriends.  Especially these two wise and funny ten year olds I love to snuggle in the night, sing lullabyes to, and well, just live with.  I can't wait to take a road trip with them next week and sing Beatles songs and eat red licorice and look in the rear view mirror to catch a glimpse of their faces as they transition from girl to woman right before my very eyes. We will stop in Kansas to visit with my dear friend Nancy and her daughter Amy before heading up into Colorado's high country on our way to camp.

For Emma and Clara, this is a summer I know they will never forget.  They are going to spend two weeks at Adventure Unlimited with four of their girl cousins.  Six girls between 8 and 12 years old, riding horses, singing camp songs, giggling long after past "lights out" has echoed through their cabin.  A summer where you fall in love with a horse, share your deepest secrets, and learn to cook pineapple-upside-down-cake in an old black skillet over an open fire. 

This is also the summer that each of my own girlfriends has made it clear that we will gather and will see each other…face to face, arm in arm, "you and me against the world." We will sit, and talk, and laugh, and cry.  We will drink tea, eat chocolate and share secrets.  We will take long walks or just sit on the porch of my cabin.  It is the summer when I will hold the hand of my best friend while we watch the sunset over the Sleeping Indian range, wish upon a star and thank God for "another year" at camp.

This is the summer that Leslie will finally return to camp for a day of talking about boys and God and friends we miss.  I am hoping she draws Beth down out of the mountains like a bee to honey.  I miss them both and need to hear them talk a million miles an hour while I just listen in rapt fascination.  Maria will bring m&ms to my cabin and we will smile about all the things we thought we were so burdened by, that is until camp made us laugh too hard to let the little things get us down.

Maree and I will eat Nutty goat Cheese salad at Laughing Ladies and marvel that we never get tired of the sound of the other's laughter, voice, silence…or tears.  We will talk about all ways we seen things change and yet stay the same in the last 25 years of our summers together and we will stand in awe of all that God has shown us through this friendship.  My new (but in so many ways "old") friend Jackie and I will share word paintings full of color from our two, very different, remote corners of the west.

Alison will come sit on my porch like she did when she was a girl…long before she realized what we all knew… that she is amazing and could keep the world from coming unglued if they just gave her the chance.  Sami and I will sit on the lawn and catch up on where she's been and what she's seen and I will admire her courage and her gentleness all at once.  Debra and I will meet on the porch of Bongos and catch up on one another's spiritual journey in the shadow of Mt. Princeton. 

I will kiss my mom and stare at her hands and realize that either hers are looking like mine…or mine have started to look like hers.  I will marvel that at 73 she is still so beautiful and pray that I take after her…just a little.  I will be amazed that my sisters are such remarkable human beings and that I must have been adopted to be part of the cache of talent, and passion for living, they represent.  Their motherhood will take my breath away…until I look beyond their faces, to the eyes of the one who raised us and taught us how to be like her without knowing it.

And I will travel to South Africa to see my beloved oldest daughter later this summer.  She, her birthmom and I will spend ten days discovering wonderful new things about this extraordinary relationship of ours.  Ours is a mother-daughter love triangle that has already shattered old adoption paradigms right and left.

This is the summer when I will have married my JillyBean to her beloved farmer, and I will have watched a group of girls we all love "rise from among us like a big balloon and take to the sky and forsake the ground" as they march across the stage and graduate out of our sight.

This summer I will fall in love with a whole new crop of campers, counselors, and CITs.  At least half of them will be girls.  Each girl will have a story, a dream, a desire to love and be loved, to find their North Star and to know they make a difference in the world.

"…Yeah, we're all the same inside
From 1 to 99…"

Some of them will be boys…but for today…this one's for the girls.

This summer is all about the girls.  Girls who make me laugh and cry and girls make me remember that life is soooo worth putting in the time…

"This one's for the girls
Who love without holding back
Who dream with everything they have
All around the world
This one's for the girls."

I can't wait to see you..each..and all,
Kate

Love, not terror, is contagious

With today's latest news of yet another attempted school shooting, this one thwarted by a courageous school administrator, buzz about the contagious nature of these copycat acts of "playground terrorism" seems to be reaching a feverish pitch. 

At the same time we are already being overwhelmed by a flood of well-meaning recommendations that we get early flu inoculations to preempt the contagious nature of viral elements that seem especially prevalent during the winter months.  

Both of these concerns, virulent in their ability to move through the system of social consciousness, are quite aggressive and frightening to parents and children...therefore, to families...locally and globally.

But there is a way of looking at contagion that leaves us  feeling the dominion and authority that Light must feel in it's association with darkness.

There is an old tale of three elements (and many versions of this tale, so please bear with me if this version is not consistent with the one you have heard)....water, cold, and wind...these three pals are walking in the wilderness one day when they come upon a cave in the side of a mountain.  Sitting a the edge of the cave is their friend, Heat....trembling with fear.  "Why what's the matter dear friend, why are you so afraid?" they asked.  Heat could barely get the words out, "Darkness..." he whispered.  "I went in and turned up the temperature of my heat as high as I could and still I could not get rid of it....it wouldn't budge!" 

So sure of her abilities to roust out such demons, Water says, "I will go in and drown darkness."  So, in she goes and before long she comes dribbling out with her droplets scuttling into the corners...."I poured every drop of myself into that cave and filled it to the brim and still the darkness wouldn't budge...this is one very scary enemy." 

Wind, the blustery blowhard of the group, says with a flourish, "Well, show me the way because if there is one thing I am sure of it's my ability to blow anything out of my path..."  So in he goes blowing with all his might...but after only a few moments, out he comes with a gasp....reduced to a little puff, and says with barely a breath, "Oh my goodness...that is one immovable foe!"

Cold, with her frigid stare and icy touch has had enough.  "I will freeze this darkness until it shatters and lies in cold shards on the ground" and in she stalks.  But it is not long before she darts out in terror.  Her icy touch melting in the heat of her own fear.  "I don't know what that is, she says, but I can't seem to make it even shiver, much less shatter." 

So there they sit on the edge of the cave's opening licking their wounded pride and terrified of an adversary they cannot budge when along comes Light.  Full of warmth and radiating her love for everything her hand touches... revealing its inherent beauty,  she sees her comrades broken and afraid.  Her heart leaps to warm them and she asks, "dear friends, what could have possibly left you so unsettled and afraid."  "Darkness.." they whisper.  "Hmmm...I don't know of this darkness," she marvels.  "And you don't want to" they murmur in hushed tones.  Then they begin to tell her their story.  "Oh," she says, "I will go in and see if I can find it and talk with it about sharing the space with us."  "Oh no, please don't" say her three comrades, but Light is fascinated.  She has never seen Darkness, so in she goes.  A few moments later she returns to the opening of the cave, perplexed and baffled.  "I couldn't find this darkness you are talking about," she says, "everywhere I went, it was not there...not even in the corners."

Water, Cold, and Wind, being the smart (and now humbled) elements that they were decided then and there to join forces with light and enter that cave...today they live in one of the most beautiful places in the world....the Grand Canyon. 

Now, before you jump all over this sweet story and point out all of the inconsistencies...yes, at night there is darkness in the Grand Canyon...etc....just take the point intended into your heart for a moment.  When we are "walking as children of light" we cannot detect darkness...around us or in others.  When walking as children of health (this word comes from the root word "whoelth" which is "wholeness") there is no disease....absence of health.  Are we trying to freeze out terrorists, are we attempting to blow the cover off hatred...or... are we walking so completely as the very light of love, the very light of goodness...illuminating the inherent beauty, spiritual reality, and grace in every situation, person, season...that we can't even find darkness, fear, harm, terror, hatred.

Mary Baker Eddy says, "To light there is no darkness, all is light."  To love there is no hate, to appreciation there is no criticism, to the presence of health (wholeness, wellness, well-being) there is no dis-ease...no absence of health or well-being to antidote.  This is not a blind denial of a problem, quite to the contrary, it is an acknowledgment and appreciation of the presence of the truth...the truth that at any given moment and in any given situation we can find the presence of God...the presence of Love, Principle, Soul...in the concern of a family member, the orderliness of nature...all trees grow towards the light, root systems seek out water....in the precision and reliability of a mathematical equation.   And since there is only one "measure"  of God ... infinite ALL....each (however faint) instance of God's presence is the promise of His All presence...no matter how obscure at that moment...keep watching, keep your focus on presence of the light...because it indicates the presence of the Sun....the full radiance of the day.

So....what about contagion....don't be as concerned with what the news would try to spread or what it is trying to convince you is spreading....be so occupied with what you are broadcasting,  spreading...are you spreading joy, love, appreciation, goodness, kindness, compassion....then like our friend Light, not only will you never find the darkness...even in the corners, but those who accompany you in thought or experience....those whom your thoughts dwell on (intimately, locally, or globally) or who share your company....will be thereby benefited.

Spread light...remembering how fast it travels and how pervasively it reaches...if you need a reminder of how quickly and broadly joy and laughter spread visit this wonderful video in which a very serious yogi shares his practice of Laughing Yoga

with Love,





Kate