"til we find our place..."

"It's the circle of Life,
and it moves us all,
through despair and hope,
through faith and love.

Till we find our place
on the path unwinding...
In the circle,
the circle of Life..."

Do you remember sitting in the darkened movie theatre with your toddler, preschooler, gradeschool-age child, or friend...and hearing the first stirrings of Africa rising like a drumbeat
through the theater.  That song, "The Circle of Life," still gives me chills. 

As it did the other day, when my grandson was visiting.  I'd put one of our vintage Disney Hi-Ho Sing-along DVDs on to, well, to sing-along with, and from the moment I heard that first "Nants ingonyama bagithi Baba, Sithi uhm ingonyama..." I was fighting back the tears.  

How did 17 years go by so fast?  Here I was holding the precious son, of the beloved daughter I'd first seen this movie with, at another time, and in another place...so long ago.  It was unsettling....and lovely. 

It wasn't just that the years had melted into moments, but that I could see the evolution of my own thinking about life and my purpose here, on this planet. 

As I listened to that opening song, I realized that my path has been circular. And thank goodness it has.   It's sometimes been a hard climb, and often felt like an insurmountably rugged way.  But, by taking a circuitous path, I have been able to make progress in baby steps...and trust me, I needed baby steps. 

I am not a "vertical" climber...I am a hiker.  I walk around the mountain, rather than trying to scale solid granite rock faces, in a day.    But when you are walking in a circluar pattern, it is almost impossible to see very far ahead of you.   And it requires trust.   Trust that moving in the direction of the sun, is up...trust, that as long as you keep moving, you will go up...however incrementally and slow.   And even though this often meant that I couldn't anticipate the amazing scenery that was coming, I was equally protected from seeing..and worrying about...the challenges I would face.

These past few years, I really haven't had any choice but, to "just put one foot in front of the other."  But, because I couldn't see too far ahead, or linger on views behind me,  I've found that, moment-by-moment, I really have been able to take at least one more step forward...however difficult...in this circle of life. 

Not seeing too far ahead, I wasn't tempted to rush towards this precious moment of delighting in the presence of one sweet little boy.  And by not being able to fixate on the path behind me, it was impossible for me to cling to bygone days...days that I might never have wanted to leave.  A circular path kept me moving...and I am grateful.

And anyway, if I am really clear about why I'm on this life journey,  I am not looking out in front of me...or behind me...I am looking up.  That's my destination anyway...just closer to Him.

Mary Baker Eddy, makes reference to the Psalmist's encouragement, when she says,

"Step by step will those who trust Him find
that "God is our refuge and strength,
a very present help in trouble."

Step-by-step...for me...it is the circle of life, and I am finding that it moves us all through despair and hope, through faith and love...  I've gathered some lovely wildflowers along the way, seen some incredible views...but nothing compares with feeling the sun...the warmth of His Love...on my face.

We just have to trust, take the next step...and keep looking up...with Love,

Kate


*I thought you might like the option of hearing/seeing Elton John's more ballad-like video  of "Circle of Life" including playful lion cubs...enjoy.

" It's the climb..."

"...There's always going to be another mountain
I'm always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes you going to have to lose,
Ain't about how fast I get there,
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb..."
Alexander/Mabe

I remember the first time I heard this song, "The Climb" (as sung by Miley Cyrus) on the car radio. The girls had just jumped into the front and back seats after school, Clara calling, "I've got shotgun" (meaning "I get the front seat"...translated:  "I control the radio"), and even before closing the passenger door, had changed the station from my beloved NPR, to her favorite pop station.

I was resigned to driving in mental silence...amidst the crashing waves of pop music...when I heard the above quoted lyric.  We were stopped at the intersection of Ballas and Clayton, and I was so taken with this message that I forgot to watch for the light to turn green.  Clara nudged me, took one look at my face and said, "Emma, Emma, oh my gosh, here she goes again.  Look. I bet mom's going to be using this song on her blog."

I took my foot off the brake and we started moving again...much to the gratitude of the drivers in the line of cars behind me...while wiping an errant tear from my left temple before the girls could make, even more, fun of me for crying at a Miley Cyrus (!?!?!) song.  

From that point on, everytime it came on the radio, and one of their friends was in the car, they told the story of mom forgetting to drive because a Miley Cyrus (!?!?!?) song made her cry.   Then they'd laugh and say how they were just so sure that I would be using it to write a story for this blog.  So, even though it actually was the first thing I thought of doing...that day at the stoplight...I didn't!  Tell me now, who's the mature one in this family!?

Okay, so today I will write that post, but don't tell the girls.  I'm writing it, not because I heard the song again, but because it reminds me of something that shifted my sense of what life is all about. One of the girls was home from school, and we called a Christian Science practitioner to pray with us.  In our family, we have always encouraged the girls to have their own relationships with other spiritual caregivers who are available to pray with them...not just their moms or dads (our girls have two dads and three moms...so blessed!!!)

I think this is one of the greatest gifts we can offer our children...a relationship (or even just a conversation) with someone who is available for the pure and unparalleled purpose of seeing God's ever-present and all-powerful Love operating unspent and without lapse or variableness, in their lives.

In making the call I was aware of two things, my daughter was uncomfortable (I wanted her to feel at peace), and my daughter was missing school (and I wanted her to be in her right place where she would be having exciting new learning experiences).  But the practitioner we contacted in another state, who knows me really, really well, called me on it.  She said, "there is only one goal here, and it is not to get her back in school, it is about her experiencing God's infinite Love...only."  Wow.  How could I have forgotten, even for a second, that the only thing...the only thing...that is important, ever, is that we each feel the infinite nature of God's Love as the loved, loving, love-able reflection of His Being...as His child.

So I stopped. 

And started over again.  At the starting point.  As Eddy says, in one of my favorite statements from Science and Health with Key to the Scriptures:

"The starting point of divine Science is that God, Spirit,
is All-in-all, and there is no other might, nor Mind."

My friend had also shared with me another statement from Science and Health about this search for God's All-in-allness in all things, moments, experiences, people, opportunities, and challenges:

"The search was sweet, calm, and buoyant with hope,
not selfish or depressing..."

She encouraged me to see that it is this "search," and only this search, that we are participating in every day.  And to remember that, if we are searching for God...keeping our eyes focused on finding indications of His presence in every situation, we aren't focused on ourselves So it can never be selfish or depressing. 

You know, I can look back at the spiritual landscape of my life, and see that when I am truly in this searching-only mode (rather than the destination-based seeking of human goals and milestones, in my practice of spirituality) every moment is sweet with opportunities to find God's face in everyone I meet and every situation I encounter. I walk calmly on, knowing that I am not a human with out-comes based criterias for success or failure, but a child of God seeking her Father's presence all the time...a searcher and a re-searcher...every single second of every single day. And I discover, that in that searching place, every step of my journey is satisfying.  There are no destinations, only the joy of the climb... or the search...itself.  Thinking out from this search-based way of life, I could easily see how living in the space of hope...hoping to see God's presence more fully realized...would buoy me when the crashing waves of personal sense, or dashed dreams of disappointment, tried to shatter my peace.

My daughter and I had a really happy day. The keynote for our adventure was to focus on another statement from Science and Health that had been shared with her as inspiration:

"And Love is reflected in love.."

We looked for instances of love and loving as indications of God's presence, rather than letting discomfort, when, fear, or "what if" define her experience, throughout the day.  The next morning, she was back in school.

I think we both had fun as we spent the day hunting, searching for Love, God in every moment.  Together we were explorers on an adventure, not climbing towards some elusive summit...physical perfection, or working towards a human destination...school, but looking for the face of God, step by step.

We are all climbers.  I love this perspective of myself as a searcher, who loves the climb.  I look at each hill, mountain, sea, valley, ravine, wilderness, cliff, or avalanche with the same hunger, the same eagerness to take a step forward in finding God's presence.  To be surprised by the beauty of His holiness, His look of Love, the strength of His arms, the sweetness of His song.

It's all about the climb. 

I have decided to post the entire lyric to this really wonderful Miley Cyrus...yes, Miley Cyrus...song below.  I think it says perfectly what I am feeling today. 

with love to all my fellow climbers...and remember, you are never alone, it's never too steep...you are on belay with a God who loves you and will never let you fall.

always...really, always...

Kate
Kate Robertson, CS

" I can almost see it
That dream I'm dreaming but
There's a voice inside my head sayin,
You'll never reach it,
Every step I'm taking,
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking but I
Got to keep trying
Got to keep my head held high

There's always going to be another mountain
I'm always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes you going to have to lose,
Ain't about how fast I get there,
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

The struggles I'm facing,
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes they knock me down but
No I'm not breaking
The pain I'm knowing
But these are the moments that
I'm going to remember most yeah
Just got to keep going
And I,
I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on,

There's always going to be another mountain
I'm always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes you going to have to lose,
Ain't about how fast I get there,
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

Keep on moving
Keep climbing
Keep the faith baby
It's all about
It's all about
The climb
Keep the faith
Keep your faith"

[photo credits:  C. Hagenlocher 2009/M. Trevail 2009]

"The higher you climb...

“The higher you climb,…The more that you see.
The more that you see,…The less that you know.
The less that you know,…The more that you yearn.
The more that you yearn,…The higher you climb…”

I am still in my Dan Fogelberg phase.  But since we are in Colorado on spring break, my CD of choice has moved from his 1974 Souvenirs to the perfect soundtrack for traveling the canyons and high meadow basins…1985’s High Country Snows.  If you have never driven across the open range of South Park on Hwy 285 with the windows open, the dry mountain air blowing through your hair and this CD cranked so loudly that it resets your heart’s beating…then you’ve missed something truly significant.

The above lyrics perfectly illustrate my spiritual journey of late.  In “The Higher You Climb,” Fogelberg articulates the frustration that I have often heard my mountaineering friends describe as they summit peak after peak, always searching for the next “Everest”.

For me this feeling started almost 20 years ago when I felt like I was going through “the valley of the shadow of death” and wasn’t sure there was any way out.  Day after day I searched for an egress from the valley in a way that didn’t look like I was throwing myself off the edge of a sandstone cliff into a dark abyss.

I remember calling a friend one afternoon, someone I often turned to when the spiritual road seemed most treacherous.  He laughed and said that although I thought that this adventure had become worse than an off-course cruise ship in the Bermuda Triangle, there would be a day when I’d look back on this leg of the journey with longing. 

That really made me laugh.  I couldn’t imagine ever longing for pain, suffering, sorrow, relentless depression.  Nope, I was sure that day would never come.  While I knew I had many personal issues to deal with, masochism wasn’t one of them.

Boy, was I ever wrong.

It wasn’t even a year later that my health had stabilized, my relationships were stronger and I was feeling the peace I thought would never come again.  But I was also feeling something new.  I was feeling hunger.  I was hungry for those days when I woke each morning with only one desire…the desire to know God, to hear His voice, to feel His touch. 

My friend had been right.  I was missing my “wilderness days”…days when I thought the valley of the shadow of death had been my Cancun spring break gone bad.  I was hungry for the hunger.  I was thirsty for the thirst. Not the sorrow, sadness, pain, and depression...those had faded. I loved the longing.

One morning while praying for direction, it occurred to me that I might want to revisit Jesus’ Sermon on the Mount, ten verses from Matthew that he delivers, as Mary Baker Eddy says, “from the summit of devout consecration.”  It was there that I found this statement:

“Blessed are those who do hunger and thirst after righteousness…”

In the Bible that I was reading from, the verse stops at the bottom of the page.  So I let myself pause there and think about this statement before going on…and it was so beautiful.  There I was at the summit and I could see that I would never be without another mountain to climb.  There in front of me was the promise of an endless range of peaks awaiting me if I wanted to scale them.

The blessing wasn’t in getting to the top and congratulating myself on a victory.  The blessing was in getting to the top for the sheer joy of discovering that there were more mountains to climb.  I loved the climb.  I loved every icy handhold, every boulder field, every gale force wind above tree-line that made my eyes sting and my hands chafed. 

I still love the climb.  To discover that there are more adventures ahead of me is the whole blessing….it is the filling of my soul. 

"...The farther you reach,...The more that you touch.
The more that you touch,...The fuller you feel.
The fuller you feel,...The less that you need.
The less that you need,...The farther you reach."

So today as I sit here in the middle of one of the most breathtaking canyons in the world, I am filled with questions.  I am absolutely aching with questions rather than the answers that the world would love to convince me I need in order to take important next steps in our life.  I feel blessed by this hunger, filled with a thirst that makes me want to weep with gratitude.  I am so grateful that I can still feel the longing for His voice in my heart, telling me to not let go…His touch at my shoulder encouraging me to reach for the next handhold on this climb…

It is the hunger to reach that is the blessing today…not reaching the summit.  Of this I am sure.

And the view from the edge of this cliff…why it’s wonderful!

K