"we are each other…"

"we are the daughter,
we are the sisters
who carry the water.
we are the mothers
we are the other,
we are each other..."

I don't know where this post is headed -- really. I just know that when one of my daughters sent me this video of Lissie's, "Daughters," I had to show up in front of the keyboard -- and let it rip.

So, here goes. For me, this is all about having each other's back. Not just as sisters, daughters, best friends, and neighbors, but as fellow citizens on a very small planet. And yes, you are right. There is nothing new about this message. Maya Angelou, Mother Teresa, Eleanor Roosevelt, Betty Friedan - most great women - have encouraged this one thing in all the women they hope with forward their legacies: Be kind to one another. You will not achieve anything on your own.

And yet, I see this terrible pattern repeating itself throughout history. Women hurting women. It breaks me. More than most, this is the one thing can make me feel like crawling under the covers for a few days, and never come out. To hear that a woman has thrown another woman under the bus. To hear women encouraging each other to unload a pile of hurt on another woman - behind her back. To hear the drone of gossip -- and trust me, there is no other sound like it -- from another table at the local coffeehouse.

Do men do this? I can't tell you -- I am not a man in a relationship with other men. I don't know what they do or don't do. This is about us. Girls, women, sisters, mothers, friends. We must stop it.

We are each other. That's not just hyperbole. Think about it. To criticize another woman is to fill your own heart and mind with a lesser sense of  womanhood.  This lowered consciousness of any woman, effects the way you feel about all women -- yourself included.

What you hold in thought is projected upon the screen of your own body, face, family, interaction with the world. If I feel disdain for someone -- even when I think it is perfectly justified and reasonable -- everything I look at through that lens is going to be colored by speculation and doubt.

So, today I am holding myself accountable. And yes, I am taking it one day at a time. I can easily attain this better version of me, in a calm, clear hour of prayer -- but can I sustain it for weeks, months, years? I hope so.  I have written a symbol on my hand - with a Sharpie - to remind me that, "Love never loses sight of loveliness," as Mary Baker Eddy promises. Even if I have to rewrite it daily, it will remind me to stop and take stock. To examine my own heart through the lens of a simple axiom:

"When you point a finger at someone,
three more are pointing back at you." 

Whenever I think I am thinking something about someone else, it's not really about them. I am the only one actually harboring those thoughts. I am the one populating my inner landscape with those thoughts. It has nothing to do with the other person. They are just the screen I am projecting my own thinking on. The same with the words I speak, or the negative reactions I allow myself to indulge in -- based on what I think is someone else's behavior.

I love that Mary Baker Eddy gives us this great filter in Science and Health with Key to the Scriptures:

"In a world of sin and sensuality
hastening to a greater development of power,
it is wise earnestly consider
whether it is the human mind
or the divine Mind
which is influencing one." 

The human mind loves to reason. It loves to find reasons. It loves to compare, criticize, and contrast. It loves to sort and compartmentalize -- to file people, places, and things into hierarchies. The human mind wants -- desperately -- to feel important. It's opinions are its greatest currency. 

 The divine Mind on the other hand simply knows. It just knows what is true. It doesn't need to convince, debate, discuss, and pat itself on the back. What is true, is true about everyone. What is a lie, is a lie about no one.

This morning, I read this passage from, In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts by Gabor Maté, and it awakened a new place of compassion in me:

People will jeopardize their lives,
for the sake of making the moment livable.
Nothing sways them from the habit -- not illness,
not the sacrifice of love and relationship,
not the loss of all earthly goods,
not the crushing of their dignity,
not the fear of dying.

The drive is that relentless."
 

I am standing up to this drive. I am going to do everything - in my own life - to not be driven by a need to just "make a moment livable." I will not say something that is not kind, just because it might make me look or feel better -- in that moment. I will not capitulate to pressure, just to make an awkward moment end more quickly. I will try to never -- ever again -- let a harsh word slip, or sarcasm spill, just because it will break the tension. 

 And I will be more patient with you, because I now have a clearer sense of how demanding, and insidious the need to just "make the moment livable" can be.

We are each other. And what I want for my daughters, I want for your daughters. What I want for myself, I want for you. If I want my daughters to have clean water, I must do as much to achieve clean water for a young girl in Burkino Faso, as I would for my own sweet girls. If I want my sister to be treated with respect and dignity by her colleagues, I must treat every woman I interact with, with that same respect and dignity. If I want my dearest friend to be heard when she speaks, I must listen more deeply to my neighbor when she speaks.

There is no you and me, us and them. We are one. We are each other.

offered with Love,

Kate

Why shouldn't we...

"We believe in things that we cannot see
Why shouldn't we, why shouldn't we
Hands that heal can set a chained man free
Why shouldn't we, why shouldn't we…"
- Mary Chapin Carpenter

I was talking with a young friend recently and she told me that she thought it was a bit foolish and naïve of me to believe that as a voter I could make a difference in the 2008 election.  "Didn't you learn anything in the 60s?", she sighed in exasperation, "They win…no matter what we do."

Ahh….I remembered that feeling.  It hit me like a heavy wet blanket one afternoon in the late summer of 1972.  McGovern/Eagleton…that was my ticket.  I had campaigned, rallied and fought back tears as we chanted in Miami.  But on August 1st Eagleton withdrew his name, and a candidacy that could have turned the tide on the Vietnam War, was virtually over.  His effort to lift the fog of doubt creeping over the country like a miasma regarding McGovern's judgment (in choosing a running mate who was actually human, a man who had hospitalized himself for treatment of "mental and physical exhaustion") only gave the press more fodder for their mill.  The grinding down of a candidacy…and my hopes for our country…had begun. 

So what has happened to my voter activism in the last 35 years.  Lots.  I became zealous, disillusioned, apathetic, anti-establishment, distrustful, rebellious…hopeful.  Thirty-five years is a long time.  And experience has taught me some important life lessons about the importance of not judging the motives of others.  I may not like decisions that are being made on my behalf, but I have two choices.  I can participate in prompting change and follow through by voting for the initiatives that I believe in.  Or I can pretend that I don't care.  I say pretend, because I am convinced that we all do care.  And why shouldn't we? 

The world is a beautiful place. It is filled with amazing people whose hearts are full of hope.  Each day children in war-torn countries rise from their beds and throw their arms around their parents and grandparents in love.  Every night mothers and fathers around the world commit their hearts to getting up in the morning and going to jobs that they hope will afford them the resources they need to provide their children with shelter, clothing and an education. 

Last Sunday my husband and I sat and watched the Democratic debate hosted by George Stephanopoulos.  I was deeply moved by each candidate's willingness to lay their lives (literally) on the line for others.  I may not agree with one's choices, another's proposals, or think that "that one" should say "this or that"…but they are up there.  They are willing to allow us to scrutinize their lives, their families, their haircuts or neck ties.   No matter how ridiculous that scrutiny is.  They are willing to let their record stand. 

I don't know about you, but I have made more than my share of mistakes.  I have supported initiatives that I thought at the time were reasonable, only to discover that my zealousness was naïve.  I have hotly defended a decision that I later wished I had weighed more carefully before making.  I am not the same voter I was in 1972…and I would guess that most of the candidates are not the same public servants they were then either. 

So why are they up there and why am I watching them with tears running down my cheeks on a mid-August afternoon in 2007. 

I think it is because of hope.  We were all there in 1972 (those of us old enough to vote) and so many of us were deeply disappointed - and to some extent felt deflated - by the election results later that November. . 

But because of hope we haven't given up and it is hope that has kept us returning to the debates, the conventions, the rallies, and the polls.  Hope holds our faith afloat as we wait for the resurrection of our dreams. Dreams of international peace-based cohabitation, socio-economic-enviromental responsiblity and global hand-holding all while singing:

"I'd like to teach the world to sing, in perfect harmony
I'd like to hold it in my arms, and keep it company…"
-Lea Solanga

If you are too young to remember that song…just ask your mother or grandmother to pull our her Gunnesax dress, weave daisies in her hair, and sing it with you on a mountainside.  It's still a great song…even for those of us who have long since given up drinking sugary soft drinks.  It still says, "We are all in this together and if we reach our arms (not nuclear arms, but the hugging kind) far enough we will find a way to live together on this big, beautiful, still somewhat blue, planet. 

So before we attack one more candidate, from the safety of an armchair…because of a past indiscretion, a bad hair day, or a regretted vote on the floor of the Senate…let's please remember that their hope is alive, and well, and ready for yet another foray into the land of scrutiny for the sake of making this world a better place.  Not just for their own children…or even our own children…but for the children in Darfur, Baghdad, Delhi, Detroit…  It makes me weep with gratitude…and believe.  But then…why shouldn't we?

"We believe in things that we cannot see
Why shouldn't we, why shouldn't we
Hands that heal can set a chained man free
Why shouldn't we, why shouldn't we

We believe in peace within every heart
Why shouldn't we, why shouldn't we
Burning brightly, brightly in the dark
Why shouldn't we, why shouldn't we

So come on darling feel your spirits rise
Come on children open up your eyes
God is all around
Buddha's at the gate
Allah hears your prayers
It's not too late

And we believe in things that will give us hope
Why shouldn't we, why shouldn't we
Let your voice be heard, celebrate your vote
Why shouldn't we, why shouldn't we

We believe in things that make us all the same
Why shouldn't we, why shouldn't we
Love belongs to all in deed and name
Why shouldn't we, why shouldn't we

And we believe in things that can't be done
Why shouldn't we, why shouldn't we
Lift up your heart, put down your gun
Why shouldn't we, why shouldn't we

We believe in things
We're told that we cannot change
Why shouldn't we
We had heroes once, and we will again
Why shouldn't we

So come on darling
Come on children
God is all around, Buddha's at the gate
Allah hears our prayers
It's not too late…"
- Mary Chapin Carpenter

It's never too late…to hope…

So...why shouldn't we?
Kate

[photo credit: Bernie Boston - The Washington Post]

"What you think of me...."

I was taught to treat people with love and respect, and I thought that would result in others responding in kind.  But I have discovered that sometimes they don’t.  This sometimes feels unfair.  Then comes the temptation to try to “fix” the way they think of me.  I want to correct any misconceptions, bad vibes, or feelings of being wronged.

The other day I walked into the local coffeehouse for a hot chocolate and was delighted to see a young man that I've known since he was a boy. I greeted him with "oh my gosh it is so good to see you".  Yet my greeting was met with unmistakable disdain and dismissal.   I was so baffled that I forgot to order my drink.  I mentally went over every possible thing that I could have said or done to deserve that kind of treatment. Soon I realized that I was viewing him with the same lack of charity that I felt I had received from him earlier.

This realization was a critical moment for me.   I knew I had to find a different starting point when facing unkindness.  There’s a book I turn to along with the Bible that gives me practical guidance in my life.  Its author, and founder of this newspaper, Mary Baker Eddy, writes in her text Science and Health with Key to the Scriptures, "The starting point of divine Science is that God, Spirit is All-in-all, and that there is no other might or Mind." - 275:6

What I had to understand was that my peace doesn't come from assurances that everyone likes me or approves of my decisions.  My peace must come from somewhere much deeper. It has to come from somewhere God-based and unmoveable, grounded and unshakeable.

So I adjusted my perspective on trying to figure out the possible reasons that others might treat me in ways that I felt were undeserved.  I realized that I didn't need to wonder “why” or "what if", because I knew "what is!" And what is, is that God, good is omnipresent, omnipotent, supreme good, operating unspent and without fail in each of us. I don't always have to know what another is thinking, has thought, or may have been inclined to think about me.  What I do always need to know is that God is the only Mind taking thought for either of us.   That’s my secure starting point.  If more needs to be known about another’s view of me,  then God will care for that in His own way, in His own time.  

We all exist within the embrace of divine Love.   Such an embrace shifts our focus away from winning each other's hearts or affections.  Instead we aim to win the war against those suggestions that would have us doubt one another's motives, question each other's responses, assume judgment or disdain, or think that there could ever be anyone outside of that circle needing to be drawn in. We are all "under the control of the one Mind, even God", as Eddy says. It's time to learn to let go of those uncomfortable, questionable moments at the start...with the right starting point.

Noted civil rights activist and speaker Melba Beals is attributed as having once said, during a youth conference: "What you think of me is none of my business. How I think of you is all that counts." I'm with Melba on this one. All that really counts in my practice of Christianity is how I am thinking about, and treating, others.

I think I'm ready for that hot chocolate now, please....






Kate