"I have called thee
by thy name,
thou art Mine..."
Recently my friend, Laurie Benson, asked her community of readers this series of questions:
Isn't it curious that we move through the world
with a name given to us by someone else?
How many of you don't like your name?
Or feel like it doesn't suit you?
I thought these were fascinating questions. Obviously, so did others -- since she had over 60 responses. If you know me, you know that I navigated this name wilderness for over 40 years before finding peaceful place to rest.
The story that leads to my own discomfort with my "given" name is not important. Suffice it to say, it was full of drama. But here is what I learned. And what I have practiced with our children.
My parent(s) did the best they could in giving me a name that would serve my childhood. But my evolving sense of "self," was between me and God. Eventually, when God called me by "my name," I knew it to be true and I answered to it. The social and legal steps I needed to take to legitimize that shift were challenging, but every bit worth it.
So why write this post. I think it is to help other realize that:
1] if you don't feel that your name is truly yours, you are not alone. That being said, it is important to be respectful of the love that your parents put into giving that gift (of a name that they loved) to you. But don't feel that you have to move through the world with a name that doesn't feel like your own. For me, there was no greater moment than being publicly called by the name that I knew was mine.
2] if you have a friend that is considering a change in their name, try to be respectful of their need to make that change. It is not something they are doing just to be mean to their parents or to confuse their friends and acquaintances. It is important to them. Just because you feel perfectly comfortable being called the name you were given at birth, doesn't mean that they do -- or even should.
I grew up being called a name that I never felt comfortable with. I tried ever iteration of that name possible. In my heart I always knew that I was Kate. When I had conversations with myself, I was always Kate. I loved being Kate. Actually, I loved being Cate. The first time someone called out to me as Cate -- after legally changing my name, I felt like I had come home to myself within the context of my larger community.
So why did it take so long for me to do it? Well, I was afraid. Afraid of hurting my parent's feelings. I was afraid of my professional community making fun of me -- which, by the way, they did. I was afraid that my friends would think I was a flake -- which, by the way, they made perfectly clear they did. But, after the first few snarky, sarcastic comments, I realized that each "air quote" comment about my name, was really an opportunity to stand tall as Kate. It was a gift to be able to defend her. I loved my name and I knew who I was.
When our daughters were younger, they each felt the need to try on a new, or different version, of their names. We not only allowed them to, we encouraged them to know themselves and feel comfortable with their name. In each case they returned to their given name after a school year. It's interesting to me that, as a society, we are perfectly at ease with using a chosen (or assigned) nicknames -- for someone we know and love, but a full-on name change seems "weird" to us.
For me, it was as necessary as growing out of a children's sized clothing into grown up sizes. I never looked back. Even when a friend from the "old days" wants to remind me that I was once someone who went by a different name, I refuse to be goaded into defending my right to be who I am. I am Kate -- and in my heart, Cate. That is the spelling that I use when signing love letters. And by the way, putting that out there in this post, feels just as naked as changing my name to begin with. Same concerns: flaky, still not settled in her identity, rebellious. Think what you may, this is the most clear and settled I have ever been.
And although I love my husband, and our marriage, and his name. I do not use it when I think of myself. When I think of myself, or sign my name, I am Cate Mullane. Why have I waited to say this? Because again, I am afraid of the social repercussions. Another "change" feels like walking thorough the market square naked. I haven't wanted to have someone call me flaky or silly. I am neither. I am listening for what God, the great I AM, is calling me. I am His daughter, and He has said to me:
"I have called thee
by thy name,
thou art Mine..."
There is a name that is eternal in you -- because you are eternally you. You did not start with a mortal birth. You have existed eternally. You are immortal. If your given name reflects that sense of spiritual identity, "wonderful," I can't think of anything more amazing than to feel at peace in the garment of your name. But if you haven't felt that kind of peace, and you want to try on something that might be a better spiritual fit -- I hope you will call me and tell me who you are. I will never make you feel silly. I will respect you. I promise.
with my love,
Cate Mullane
