"Each of us must find our truth..."

"Somedays we forget
to look around us.
Somedays we can't see
the joy that surrounds us.
So caught up inside ourselves.
we take when we should give..."

Once again, Josh Groban's "Thankful" has been a meaningful reminder for me, today.  I have had to ask myself, "how often have I been guilty of the kind of myopia that would trick me in to getting swept up in the whirling lies of lack and fear that are suggesting themselves each day?"  But I find it helpful, that this song identifies the door through which those sneaky thoughts enter...ourselves.  Our egos. We become so focused on what we want, need, wish for, that we forget that the key is to give....and give generously. 

When we are giving...from whatever well of resources we have at hand...joy, intelligence, kindness, compassion, inspiration...we are, in that very moment, proving that we -- in actuality -- are not lacking, at all.   If we have any good to give, we have the only measure of good there is...infinite, all.

"...So for tonight we pray for
what we know can be.
And on this day we hope for
what we still can't see.
It's up to us to be the change.
And even though we all can still do more,
there's so much to be thankful for...."

I long to be the change I wish to see in the world.  To claim, within my own consciousness of Being, that if God, good, is at all present, He/She is all that is present.   If I can find even one tiny glimpse, one single glimmer of goodness...love, light, grace...it implies the All-in-allness of its divine Source.  Just as "the first faint morning beams" portend "the full radiance" of a complete noonday sun, any indication of God's goodness, points to the absolute completeness, the only-ness and allness of good in our own lives, and in the lives of our brothers and sisters. 

"...Look beyond ourselves,
there's so much sorrow.
It's way too late to say,
"I'll cry tomorrow..."
Each of us must find our truth.
It's so long overdue..."

The other day I was facing down an inner demon, when the waves of self-sympathy that swept over me, cooed, "tomorrow...you can do this tomorrow...it's okay..."  And I almost got up from where I was silently standing toe-to-toe with that ego-based lie and walked into another, more pleasant inner room.  But the the clear-sighted angel that was wrestling with me (not against me) said, "don't you deserve to be free today...right now?  Come on, sweet child of mine, I will walk you forward out of this darkness of self, into the light of your true identity.  I will help you find your truth." 

And so I stayed there.  And you know what?  She did help me. I just let Her remind me of those refreshingly bracing, and awakening, truths that I knew were accurate about my life.  They washed over...and through...me like a river.  And in the same way that water turns smooth, opaque stones on the beach, into translucent sea alabaster, my heart's real desires...my divine purpose...became more transparent to me.

"...So for tonight we pray for
what we know can be.
And every day we hope for
what we still can't see.
It's up to us to be the change.
And even though we all can still do more.
There's so much to be thankful for..."

I know what can be.  But more importantly, I know what is. I know that in every single moment of every single day, I can love what I know is always, already, there...God's omni-presence.  I can see it as goodness, love, order, charity, beauty, harmony, grace, patience, persistence, kindness, compassion, non-judgment, hope...especially hope.  With the spiritual discernment and perspicacity that comes from standing with Him...rather than looking at Him, or for Him. Standing here, in the radiant light of His presence...looking out from His point of view...I can always see what He sees.  I can see that there is never anything, at any moment, devoid of His light, His All goodness, in all. 

"...Even with our differences,
there is a place we're all connected.
Each of us can find each other's light..."

I think this is the real gift...the one that keeps on giving...from out of that Peniel moment in my life.  To see, without doubt or question,  that we are not separate minds, or beings, defined as selves, or egos, by a think layer of skin...but we are one beautiful spiritual organism...an aspen grove of individual branchings, from one invisible root system.  And the inner "sap" of consciousness that runs through our entire system is light...it is radiant love, illumining purpose, transformative grace. 

"...So for tonight we pray for
what we know can be.
And on this day we hope for
what we still can't see.
It's up to us to be the change,
and even though this world needs so much more...

...there's so much to be thankful for..."

And so tonight...I am praying for what I know we can be...kind, compassionate, honest, forgiving, hopeful, trusting, patient, meek, peaceful members of that one body of divine goodness.  No warring, no want, no fear, no competition...but all the members working together for good.  There's so much to be thankful for.

This is my purpose:

"To love what is."

Because what is, is always His...and it is divinely wonderful. 

As Mary Baker Eddy says:

"All that is is the work of God,
and all is good..."

That's enough for me....every moment, of every day.

with love...and hope,

Kate
Kate Robertson, CS

[photo credit:  Christian Hagenlocher 2010]

"I have a need for solitude..."

"I have a need for solitude
I'll never be safe
in crowded rooms.
I like the sound
of silence coming on..."

It surprises me that this will be the first Mary Chapin Carpenter song I have used on this blog. But perhaps it says something about how much deeper there is to go in plumbing the depths of my own spiritual journey.  MCC has sung me down many a dusty road...sobbing, driving hard and fast just to get away from the sadness, and praying for nothing more than a song that will make me feel less alone. 

Her new CD "The Age of Miracles," was borne on the winds of her own "miraculous" adventure through a critical health-related wilderness experience, one that led her into a period of what she characterized as" painful depression, fear and anxiety."  Its content is masterful, sobering, intuitive, and deeply moving.  What it takes me hundreds of words to hint at, she hammers home with three verses, married to music that makes my heart weep, sing, and soar...but never feel alone. 

There are cuts on this CD that I can't help but listen to with my eyes closed...it is almost as if I am remembering how it felt to have lived the moment that gave the song birth...only it is not my life, but hers, she is singing about. 

There is one song though, that when I simply read its title, "I have a need for solitude," I couldn't help but wonder, once again, if we weren't actually "twin daughters of different mothers."

Solitude is not just a delightful interruption from an otherwise social norm of people and events, for me.  It is my natural habitat, like salt water to a sea anemone.  I need it.  It is the oxygen I begin to gasp for after a long day of truly wonderful conversations, and deeply inspiring interactions with people who I truly love.   But it has only been by the grace of God, that I have learned to appreciate the shifting levels of aloneness in my life with acceptance and wonder.

There was a time, though, when I seemed to need solitude in a way that was almost crippling.  And I apologize for the insanity I put my family through during this very confusing chapter.  I didn't understand it either, while I was in its grip.

There were days when taking our daughters to school, or having people come into our home was terrifying.  It was as if other people's sounds, smells, their shapes slicing through the changing light, the movement of air, the rustling of atmospheric ions as they stole from room-to-room, felt like someone was sucking all of the carefully negotiated alone-ness out of my perfect space of solitude, and I couldn't breathe. 

Unfortunately, my profession as a spiritual healer seemed to give me an endless supply of "get out of jail" cards...justifications for why I needed to leave, and one great excuse after another, for demanding it from everyone close to me.  And if I didn't get it, I would seek it out at great lengths.  There was a point in this chapter, when my favorite place in the world was a three foot by five foot windowless, cedar-lined closet under the eaves of our house where I had a little chair, table, lamp and fan.  I would take my phone, and go there for hours just to take calls and pray.  I thought it was a slice of heaven.  Until it became a self-imposed tomb I didn't want to leave. 

Oh yes,  I learned to cope with the need to be "out and about" as a mother, wife, professional, and member of my community, but the ache for solitude was never far from reach.  I took it with me wherever I went, and when society became too much, I would retreat.  I would leave.  I would excuse myself and find a place to hide...a bathroom, a closet, the backseat of my car, under a quilt, into my head...all alone.  Social gatherings felt cloying, dense, and paralyzing.  Solitude was like walking into a fresh, sweet, light-filled clearing...a high meadow redolent with the scent of chamomile and pine.  But it was not freeing or liberating, because I thought I couldn't be "me" anywhere else.  It had become a prison, instead of the open space I thought it was, and I was certain I now needed in order to feel inspired, and creative.  I didn't know how I would find my way out of the labyrinth of my own creating, or if I even wanted to. 

And then something happened. On a very normal day,  while I was sitting all alone in my perfectly silent kitchen, I suddenly realized that solitude was, in all spiritual actuality,impossible.  And in that moment,  it, solitude, was no longer the "holy grail" in my life.  Just like that.  As I sat there, I found myself asking, "Why would I ever, even want something that was really never going to be true in God's eyes."   Why, it was as clear as day to me:  I couldn't be me...truly me...all alone, without you.     And not just the "you" that is my husband, my children, my friends...but all the "yous" that I am blessed to have waft through my life, like the perfect perfume of hyacinth blossoms on a warm spring day...moment by serendipitous moment.  I cannot love without you.  I cannot be generous, kind, compassionate, honest, forgiving without you.  Each of you, allows me to be who I am. God's beloved and be-loving child.

Although it's been a struggle at times to remember that I really do want to be this "best me," and not the person who seeks out closets and solitude like a drug, I now find, that even in those lovely moments when the gift of solitude does descend like a divine surprise upon my day, I am no longer more at peace then, than in a crowded room or a noisy kitchen.  Why bother seeking something spiritually unattainable, since, in Truth, we can never really be alone anyways, we live together in Christ. 

We are not "isolated, solitary ideas."  We are members of the body of Christ, the spiritual collective called "man."  We are but individual saplings, branchings from the vast root system of a spiritual organism, even larger than "the aspen grove," that stretches its arms across the Continental Divide. We are one with "the earth and the sky, one with everything in life."  And I am "as much you, as I am myself."  We are His. 

Yes, I still love my solitude, that alone time when the house is clean, the silence is golden, lavender incense swirls with each shifting breeze, and  figurative notation paper hangs in the air waiting for poetry and music to find their positions, like birds on a wire, and become a song or a prayer.   But I no longer like my life better without people in it.  I no longer think that I need soliude to be myself, to breathe, to feel peaceful, or to hear God's voice. And yet, as my friend Mary Chapin Carpenter sings, I will always like "the sound of silence coming on."  Thanks MCC...welcome back into our company we have missed you...thank you for your words, your music, your heart that sings to us of miracles...

"My sense of nature's rich glooms is,
that loneness lacks but one charm
to make it half divine — a friend,
with whom to whisper,
"Solitude is sweet."
- Mary Baker Eddy

with Love,
Kate
Kate Robertson, CS

My friend, and editor, Maria has reminded me that I have actually referred to   Mary Chapin Carpenter songs in earlier posts. If you click on her name, there is a link to those posts. The first one will be this post, but if you scroll down you will find the others. Thanks, Maria xoxo


[photo credit:  Photo of Inis Mor, Aran Islands by Kesra Hoffman - artist, photographer, painter]

"Conviction of the Heart"

"One with the earth, with the sky
One with everything in life
I believe it will start
With conviction of the heart…"

-Kenny Loggins/Guy Thomas
Conviction of the Heart

My relationship with Kenny Loggins' Leap of Faith CD is a conundrum.  The first time I heard it (click on the title of the song below Kenny and Guy's names to hear the song yourself), I was both captivated and shocked. The African/Carribean percussion rhythms on "Conviction of the Heart" were delicious.  But the raw candor of his lyrics on songs like "Leap of Faith" and "The Real Thing" left me reeling and angry.  I wanted to throw the baby out with the bathwater, and never listen to the CD again. 

His call to live with emotional integrity poked at all of the most tender places in my heart. Those dark corners where my deepest fears about not being worthy of love smoldered -- just waiting to burst into flames, and devour all that I held dear. What if I had only convinced people to love me by doing good? By giving generously? By being nice? Would they hear these songs, and suddenly realize that their love for me was as uncertain and fragile as my love for myself?

I felt taunted and threatened by songs that were meant to encourage and empower.   However, my long love affair with Loggins' lyrics has spanned three decades, and I am not only a lyrics-junkie, but a loyalist. Remember, I am the one who still loves George best, proud to never have become Paulist, forty years after first hearing George's,  harmony vocals on "All My Loving."

But back to Loggins and Leap of Faith.  I had to decide whether I could bear avoiding the CD altogether, and thus deprive myself of the pure joy of hearing his young daughter's voice on "Conviction of the Heart." I am a sucker for the introduction of children's vocals in songs.  Or I could choose instead to find a few tracks to savor, while avoiding the poking and prodding of Loggins' invitation to look more deeply into the nature of relationships - personal, environmental, and global.  I chose the latter and listened to "Conviction of the Heart," over-and-over-again as I drove from my office or to our daughter's preschool in 1991.

Since "Conviction of the Heart" was one of the songs I could listen to without imploding emotionally, I must have heard it a hundred times a week. And no, this is not an exaggeration.  The compelling "One with the earth, with the sky, one with everything in life.." heard over and over again must have started to really sink in.  I started to  recognize the presence of this universal truth in almost all of the spiritual literature I read.  The Bible, Science and Health with Key to the Scriptures by Mary Baker Eddy, Eddy's Unity of Good, the Tao, Gibran's The Prophet…and later, Morgan's Mutant Message from Down Under, and Redfield's Celestine Prophecy all pointed to this remarkable truth: we are one.

"One with the earth, with the sky
One with everything in life
I believe we'll survive
If we only try...

One child, one dream, only one life
One earth, one sky, only one world
I believe it will start
with conviction of the heart...

How long must we wait to change
This world bound in chains that we live in
To know what it is to forgive,
And be forgiven?

It's been too many years of taking now.
Isn't it time to stop somehow?
Air that's too angry to breathe, water our children can't drink
You've heard it hundreds of times
You say your aware, believe, and you care, but...
Do you care enough
To live with Conviction of the Heart?"

In 1991 this song brought new focus to my prayers -- my views -- about myself and my relationship with the world beyond the boundaries of my own skin.  "Conviction" poked at my corpo-reality -- an absurd sense of personal life. One that is defined by what is inside of the skin.  An "I AM" that now seems as bizarre and ridiculous as thinking that the earth is flat, or that the sun revolves around the earth (i.e. everything inside of my skin was me, everything beyond the boundaries of my skin was not me, or "other")  I began to consider that there was another way of looking at my relationship with the world. That my reality was not corporeal, but spiritual, and that this spiritual reality was much more inclusive and expansive. 

Just as the molecules of my fingernails are very different than the cells of my fingers, so the air just beyond my fingertips very different than the "flesh" of the finger itself.  But that both were an extension of the "I AM" -- of my consciousness.  Neither air or finger cells are more me, or less me, than the other.  Both allow me to serve God's purpose in this space, and at this time.  The air allows me to breathe, my fingers allow me to touch -- both are important. 

When I began to look at the world around me as simply an extension of the "body" of my thinking -- my consciousness of being -- as the body of my work, my family, my environment, I began to take better spiritual care of it. 

And not only did I care for this "body" with greater conviction of the heart, but I ceased to have an antagonistic relationship with it. 

For many years I had suffered with grass and pollen allergies that were quite aggressive.  I remember thinking that the large bushy-headed pampas grass just outside the front door of our house on Aberdeen Lane was my enemy.  The minute that devil bush started pluming out, I avoided the front door.  I had to sneak in the back sliders off the kitchen if I wanted to avoid itchy, puffy eyes and a red nose at school.  And as a 13-year-old, "blotchy" was not an option. 

My adverse relationship with all things pollen-y continued through adulthood.  It made springtime difficult -- at best. That is, until Loggins Leap of Faith. My obsessive listening  to the "Conviction of the Heart" lyrics, began to penetrate more deeply. That ego-based, or personal sense of existence, paradigm that I'd long-held started to shift and my understanding of who I was in relation to the world expanded.  

As I walked within this larger body of being I was suddenly not in opposition, but in cooperation with everything around me. Much in the same way that the hand and and the eye need to cooperate to throw a ball. Or the ear and the feet work together in executing a beautifully choreographed and balanced arabesque during a piece music -- I ceased to be in conflict with my own being. I ceased to think of myself as separate from the "I AM" that existed outside the boundaries of a false corpus/epiderm-based sense of self.  I began to act out from a more inclusive sense of the "only I or us" -- the one Ego that has, as its center and circumference -- God. This "I" is infinite -- without border, boundary, or constraint.

And I never suffered from grass/pollen allergies again.  Immunity was unnecessary -- since there was nothing outside of this all-inclusive oneness from which to be immune -- no infection, irritation, interference.  No foreign anything.  All that was -- was real. And if it was real, it was of God and was already included as part of the body of my consciousness of being.   Or, as Eddy says in Science and Health,

"All that is, is the work of God and all is good. 
We leave this brief glorious history of spiritual creation
In the keeping of God, not of man,
In the hands of Spirit, not of matter,
Joyfully acknowledging now and forever
God's supremacy, omnipotence, and omnipresence."

Hey, here was a new job description…"leave things in the hands of Spirit and joyfully acknowledge God's supremacy, omnipotence and omnipresence."  And as it says in First Thessalonians:

"In everything give thanks,
for this is the will of God
in Christ Jesus concerning you."

Eddy further drives this message home when she says:

"
One, infinite God, good unifies men and nations,
constitutes the brotherhood of man; ends wars;
fulfills the Scripture, 'Love they neighbor as thyself,'
annihilates pagan and Christian idolatry, --
whatever is wrong in social, civil, criminal, political and
religions codes; annuls the curse on man,
and leaves nothing that can
sin, suffer, be punished or destroyed."

[emphasis added]

In the 1996 film "Phenomenon," John Travolta's character recounts to an audience gathered around him at a local fair that one of the largest living organisms on earth is an aspen grove (one I visit each summer) near the Continental Divide.  Scientists discovered that this grove, long thought to be tens of thousands of individual trees, was really only one tree, sharing an underground root system -- each of the once-believed individual trees, just an extension of that one single root. 

Hmmm. If I am not defined by what is inside this thin layer of skin -- if I am more than I see -- then I am not defined by the shape of what this skin contains.  And if I am not defined by the shape and form of what is "within" this skin, where does this leave me on the question of gender?  If I truly am one with everything I include in the body of consciousness -- men, women, trees, dogs -- where does that leave me on the question of speciesism, food chains, hierarchies, wealth and poverty, the environment?  

If there is only this one all-inclusive body of being, where does that leaves us as we consider our responsibility in caring for one another? What defines our "self", or family, our community, our neighborhood, our circle of concern? Al Gore once called "Conviction of the Heart" the unofficial anthem of the environmental movement.  I see it as a call to action for true health, human rights, environmental responsibility, education, social justice, economic parity…

"One with the earth, with the sky
One with everything in life
I believe we'll survive
If we only try.."

with conviction,
Kate