"I Saw What I Saw...and I can't forget it..."

"...I saw what I saw and I can't forget it
I heard what I heard and I can't go back
I know what I know and I can't deny it

Something on the road,
cut me to the soul...

I say what I say with no hesitation
I have what I have and I'm giving it up
I do what I do with deep conviction

Something on the road, changed my world

Your pain has changed me
your dream inspires
your face a memory
your hope a fire
your courage asks me what I'm afraid of
what I am made of
and what I know of love
and what I know of God..."
- Sara Groves

I discovered Sara Groves the other night (see post below) and I haven't stopped listening to, and pondering the messages of, her music since.  Her song, "I Saw What I Saw" so accurately captures what I discovered through my work with adolescents under hospice care, that it is uncanny.  In fact, my husband said after hearing the song, "She knows you, doesn't she?"  Yes, she knows me. 

But this song must resonate with every humanitarian, spiritual caregiver, counselor, or aid worker who has every taken the admonition to "heal the sick, cleanse the lepers, feed the poor, visit the fatherless and widows, care for the untouchable, loose the prisoner of his bonds."  I believe that these demands on us are not about our own nobility and another's want or need, but a Father's lessons in grace. Lessons in which we, as caregivers, discover our true identity and worth...and the cared for graciously allow us to learn from them about courage and humility. 

Hospice is just one of the many classrooms I have been privileged to be welcomed into...and it has changed my world.  But I have also been changed by reading to children and counseling moms in a battered women's shelter,  by serving meals at a homeless center, serving as a chaplain in hospitals, prisons, and jails.  However, it is my time as a hospice volunteer that has taught me the most about real courage and hope.

Hospice care provides "end-of-life" support to patients and their families through palliative medicine (pain management), life transition counseling for patients, grief counseling for families, and pastoral (or spiritual) care for everyone...patients, caregivers, and loved ones.  Hospice care is provided in hospitals, private facilities, and in homes where patients can live surrounded by loved ones and what is familiar.  

This volunteering was not connected with my work as a Christian Science practitioner providing spiritual treatment or under the auspices of the hospital chaplaincy.  This was simply an opportunity for me to give at a time when I desperately needed to feel that my life made a difference.  It was about hand-holding, cool compresses, warm blankets, and listening...lots and lots of listening.

And this work did change me.  It asked me what I was so afraid of, what I was really made of...and especially what I truly knew of God...of Love.

I remember one night when a young patient watched his mother sleep fitfully by his side, slumped in exhaustion, while he used every bit of energy he had to reach out and touch her face. 

I remember the father who worked two jobs to pay for medications so that his daughter could live pain free, although his rigorous work schedule deprived him of precious time with her.

The teenager who surmounted his fear of death to sit at the bedside of a friend, or the tired nurse who must comfort yet another family who's been given unthinkable news.

I learned that questions about death are irrelevant to those who are living moment-by-moment with every fibre of their being.  Living in the moment is not a self-help ideal, it becomes an awareness of the presence of Life asserting itself. 

Our Father-Mother God loves us enough to ask us to go to the bed of pain, walk along the road of want and poverty with our brethren, lift up the broken and disparing...and be made new.

"...I saw what I saw and I can't forget it
I heard what I heard and I can't go back
I know what I know and I can't deny it

Something on the road,
cut me to the soul..."

and made me new...
Kate
Kate Robertson, CS