Wednesday, February 8, 2012

"Right on time..."

"I wish for you to be free from doubt,
when you feel left behind, or left out -
when the world seems brighter everywhere else,
and your mind is lost inside a wishing well...
right on time,
you're right on time..."

This afternoon I discovered that my husband "gets" me...and, in fact, he get me better than I realized. The other day I was feeling blue. Usually when I have those moments...moments when I've reached an inner impasse...I at least have some sense of what is standing in my way. But this time, nada. It was just an emotional labyrinth of...well, blueness.

It usually wasn't debilitating, so I "carried on." Often I stumbled, but most of the time, I could catch myself. Yet that day, just under the surface, there was a feeling of emotional emptiness. A disorientation that left me wobbly. I didn't want to talk about it with anyone. However at one point, I found myself wandering into Jeff's office, for...what seemed apparent reason. I sat down on the floor with my laptop but just stared at the screen. I wasn't really sure why I was there, but I also didn't feel like I could be anywhere else.

A few minutes later, he asked me if I would like to hear a song by an artist he'd met at a folk music conference. "Sure," I said, although I was barely listening. Clearly, my ears were hearing the music, but my heart just wasn't connecting the dots. When it was over, I thanked him for sharing, but didn't make any further comments about the song.

Jeff must have realized that something was "off," if I didn't have anything to say. But rather than pressing me for a review, he quietly emailed me a link to the song so that I could listen to it when I was ready. Since it was pretty obvious that I really wasn't ready then...and actually, I wasn't ready for days.

Over the course of the week, I opened his email five or six times, and still wasn't impelled to listen. So, I returned it to my inbox. Until today. For some reason, today, I was was exactly the right time.

Working alone at the kitchen table, I blithely opened his email, and clicked on the link.

From the very first chord, something reached down into the soil of my heart and started to tug at the dock root of some pretty deep weeds. These were weeds of regret, guilt, and self-doubt. Listening to Ellis' song, I realized, immediately, that I'd never really gotten to the base issue of my sorrow -- the one that seemed to be sending shoots up in random places...always catching me by surprise.

Ellis is a gamin-faced pixie of a singer-songwriter. And in her thoughtfully written "
Right on Time" she gets right to the heart of my sadness...choices that were poorly timed, misaligned steps, interrupted plans...regrettable decisions.

I don't think I need to go into how this kind of thinking eats away at our peace. At the heart of regret is an inflated sense of our own power in our lives...a self-centered determinism that leaves God out of His own creation. But since it doesn't make sense spiritually, it can't thrive in an environment where God, good is the only Cause, Creator, and Choreographer.

Ellis' song reminded me that God has been in charge of every single, solitary step on my life path. There has never been a moment when I have changed the tempo, rushed headlong onto the stage of my life, or tripped myself up...or down.

I may not understand where the next step will lead me, or how the timing fits, but I can trust God. The music is His, and so is the choreography. Every moment of my life, every transition, every entrance and exit is already...right on time.

Jesus trusted the timing of his life to the governance of His divine Chronographer...and Choreographer!! I want to follow in his steps.

Ellis sings:

"When everywhere you look you see regret.
Caught up in the past, and what might have been.
What we can never know, will make our heads spin.
A little love, a little trust, a lot of forgiveness
Right on time,
You're right on time...

What if we're right on time,
right on time,
what if we're right on time..."

I am starting to so many ways...that we are always "right on time." It may seem messy. Our short-sightedness may mistake a step out-of-time, for the prelude to a fall. But trusting in God always brings us into alignment with a divine plan.

That's when we discover something lovely in our most awkward steps...

Jeff understood that all he had to do was trust that Love was leading him to share Ellis' song with me. And when the time was right, he knew I'd be led to listen to it. I'm so grateful that I can now share it with you...

with Love,

I hope you enjoy Ellis Delaney's"
Right on Time"...when you are ready.


  1. Anonymous6:42 PM

    I just put my head down and shook with tears. Thank you Kate, and thank you Ellis. Such a sweet bright smile.

  2. love you. and Jeff. :)

  3. Anonymous10:37 AM

    Thank you for sharing this, Kate. Such a good message...and very timely. k.

  4. Anonymous11:52 AM

    I was reading this blog and it brought up two different feelings. The first, last night, was a feeling of envy. I was thinking and wishing I had someone who understood me, I was comparing my relationship with my husband to your's with Jeff. I knew that this feeling of envy was not from God and I knew it came from the ego, so I didn't really pay much attention to it. Later, though, I had a sort of conversation with myself. I was questioning why I didn't have a relationship with my husband like others had with their spouses, why it sometimes felt like he didn't "get me".... But right in the middle of this questioning and listening to the ego I remembered something we had talked about and I remembered all that has happened in the past few years. I remembered, thanks to God, that my spouse does "get me". I thought back to the past few years and how supportive he has been, how he has stood beside me when most men would have run, and how he has stepped aside to let me work through these struggles using CS. It was good to remember.
    I re-read your blog this morning for the second time and it helped give me some clarity with something I have long wrestled with. I have never felt completely content in my marriage. I often feel like the two of us got married without putting a lot of thought into it. I felt like I had settled because I was getting older and well I should get married, right.?. I know that God always leads us and is guiding us, but I couldn't let go of this idea that I somehow had mapped out my relationship and marriage to my husband. I felt like when I married him I wasn't even listening to God, so how could He have been guiding me?!?!? I read your blog today and this line opened my eyes,
    "God has been in charge of every single, solitary step on my life path. There has never been a moment when I have changed the tempo, rushed headlong onto the stage of my life, or tripped myself up...or down."
    God has been guiding me. My marriage wasn't by chance it was divinely decided. My husband and I are both right where we need to be and together we are growing and learning more about Love, kindness, selflessness, compassion, and relationships are all about. I can't compare our relationship to others, we are all so different. It was good reminder from God. Thank you for posting this blog, it really helped me to think through some things. ♥♥