"Whatever you're doing inside of me..."

"Whatever you're doing inside of me,
it feels like chaos, yet somehow there's peace.
It's hard to surrender, to what I can't see.
But I'm giving in to something heavenly..."

I have such great friends.  They send me the kind of gifts that are able to make a paradigm-shattering difference in my life...quotes, songs, ideas, scripture, lyrics. 

Maria sent me a link to Sanctus Real's "Whatever You're Doing," because she thought it would resonate with me.  And did it ever!  Her gift, made me feel known.  For me, there isn't any gift, more wonderful...that one person can give to another...than the gift of being known.

And she was right.  This song speaks to me...profoundly.  The past few years have been full of experiences, and feelings, that could have been interpreted as "chaos," but were actually the very adventure I needed in order to face, and dissolve a false hunger to be "in control," to be on top of things....to look like I had it all together.  And it was this need for control, or mastery, in every situation, that had long kept me from lasting peace...

But fortunately, there came a turning point.  And it's impetus didn't come from the poking, or encouragement, of others...it came from within.  The Holy Spirit was doing something in me...uninvited. 

After years of praying to a God I thought I believed to be all-powerful, and infinitely loving...at least to/for everyone else, I realized I wasn't acting like I thought God "had my back"...at all.  This realization was shell-shattering.  I had to reconcile my desire for control, with my lack of trust in Him, and His ability to care for the real issues in my life.

I had to face myself in the mirror.  And it wasn't pretty.  Standing there, I asked myself:  "Self, why have you been living a fear-paralyzed life, when you know you have every right to be Love-driven and Love-empowered?  And more importantly, what are you modeling for the children in my life...fear or Love? 

Yes, I'd thought...all along...that I had been doing it right.  I'd made the best decisions, and choices, I knew how.  But my trust in God had been evolving, and it was time for something new to awaken in me, and burst from the shell of who I'd been. 

Over the ensuing days, weeks, months...the questioning continued.  Was I making decisions based on fear, as in:  "If I don't..........., then I'm afraid I will never have that opportunity to .........., again." You fill in the blanks.   I started to realize how much "what if" thinking had proliferated.

And then, there was the real question:  "Was I really walking my talk?"   Did I trust that God, Love was the only power, the only animating Principle, the only Cause in, my life.  

I had to make a change...not, so much, in my human circumstances, but in the way that I thought about God's role in governing the most intimate, and overarching, details of my life.

Taking my hands off the wheel, and letting Love direct my path was terrifying...and liberating.  Once I started to get the hang of living in freefall...the practice of "not knowing," I wasn't as afraid of making a mistake, as I was  of being perceived as having made a mistake.  But that's another story. 

I've got a long way to go...but I think I am loosening my ridiculously impotent grasp on the reins of my life...more each day.   Not that God needs me to let go.  He already has all the power and control whether I comply with the "hands off" rule, or not.  It's just that my ride will be much more fun, and I'll actually enjoy the view, if I do.

I'll leave you with the lyrics to this song.  For me, it is a song that speaks to how profoundly the in-breaking power of grace, can transform your life.  And when it does, you discover the peace of leaving behind the shattered, outgrown shell of who you were...for who you are. 

"It's time for healing time to move on.
It's time to fix what's been broken too long.
Time make right what has been wrong.
It's time to find my way to where I belong.
There's a wave that's crashing over me,
all I can do is surrender.

Whatever you're doing inside of me,
it feels like chaos, but somehow there's peace.
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see.
But I'm giving in to something heavenly.

Time for a milestone.
Time to begin again.
Revaluate who I really am.
Am I doing everything to follow your will,
or just climbing aimlessly over these hills?
So show me what it is you want from me.
I give everything, I surrender,
To whatever you're doing...

Time to face up.
Clean this old house.
Time to breathe in, and let everything out
that I've wanted to say for so many years.
Time to release all my held back tears.

Whatever you're doing inside of me,
it feels like chaos but I believe,
You're up to something bigger than me.
Larger than life, something heavenly.

Whatever you're doing inside of me,
it feels like chaos, but now I can see.
This is something bigger than me.
Larger than life, something heavenly.
Something heavenly.

It's time to face up.
Clean this old house.
Time to breathe in,
and let everything out."

I hope your weekend is filled with lovely moments of being breathed...by Spirit. May you emerge from whatever would entomb your peace...heaven-filled. 

with Love,
Kate
Kate Robertson, CS