"I am well, and I know it."

"Sometimes it hurts so badly
I must cry out loud, I am lonely
I am yours, you are Mine
You are what you are..."
- Stephen Stills

I know that a CSN (Crosby, Stills, and Nash) 1969 Woodstock performance of "Suite Judy Blue Eyes" may seem like a stretch as the keynote for a piece on spiritual healing, but it really is the song which came to mind when I started thinking about a recent experience that left me deeply grateful for simple statements of Truth.

It was almost four in the morning, I'd just finished posting a new piece on this blog, and I was ready to let my head fall gently towards the pillow.  I was feeling peaceful knowing that I'd worked through the night, my IM chat screen and FB/email inboxes were empty for just long enough to briefly turn from the screen, and find a couple of hours to rest my eyes before needing to get up again.  I pulled up the "sounds of the ocean and shore birds," --  I listen to each night as I drift off to sleep -- on iTunes, turned off my desk lamp and stood.  That's when the room started spinning in a way I'd never experienced before.  This wasn't just a dizzying case of vertigo...the walls were twisting and turning like funhouse mirrors on the inside of a carousel.

Before I knew it I was careening towards the bathroom...unsure if it was actually the floor under my feet...hoping I'd make it before I lost everything in my stomach.  My prayers were something along the lines of, "I know that my life is settled in your peace dear Father...I know that no storm within, or without, can convince me that I am a mortal being tossed to and fro.  I am God-sent and the only thing within me is the kingdom of heaven, which I can never lose."  But it didn't seem to have any effect on calming the sea within...and all was lost, over and over again.

When there was a break in the waves of nausea, I crawled back to our bedroom, and with the small bathroom trashcan as a companion, found my way onto our bed.  The next hour seemed like a ceaseless battering from within.  Dizzying, swirling, body-heaving "tossing" that never seemed to stop.  I was afraid I would pass out when I couldn't catch my breath...and then I was afraid I wouldn't pass out...since it would have been a welcome respite.  During one brief pause, in the relentless wracking of every cell in my body, I was able to call my husband 1,200 miles away and let him know I needed help. I felt so alone and frightened...and he could hear it.

He called an out-of-state friend, and fellow spiritual healer,  asking her to give Christian Science treatment, and within what seemed like only moments, my friend was calling me in the middle of my aloneness with a reminder.  She firmly urged me to pray with Mary Baker Eddy's statement:

"I am well, and I know it."

From the moment she repeated it to me over the phone, this simple statement was the conscious lifeline of Truth I held on to through the next few hours. 

I clung to each syllable, really working with this statement, emphasizing each word...one at a time...until the entire sentence had been fully taken in, digested, and assimilated  -  restructuring the very mental molecules of my being. Or as Eddy says in Science and Health, I let "consciousness construct a better body..."  I knew that the spiritual relevance of this Truth as conscious thought had the power to construct a better body of animated being...form, outline, movement, purpose.  These words represented spiritual ideas and I let them restructure my sense of body...one word at a time.

I am well and I know it. 

The only I is Me, God. But by reflection, the I, that is Kate Robertson, my daughter, knows that I, God, her loving Father-Mother God, is the source of her every thought.  Therefore you, Kate, can say with confidence: I am known, loved, watched over, cared for and protected every moment.  I am, the individual, pure, whole and perfect articulation of God's being.  I am divinity expressed as humanity.   This "I" is well, and I know it.

I am well and I know it.

I am, right now, not yesterday, or tomorrow...a moment ago, or in a few moments...well, and I know it.  This wellness is without the need for process or recovery.  It is not, I will be well, or I used to be well, but I am well, and I know it.

I am well, and I know it.

I am well, whole, healthy and am experiencing this wellness as complete and perfect inviolable being.  There is nothing missing or absent from the wholeness of God's goodness.  There is nothing good in the universe that I am waiting for the appearance of, I am already complete.  God is already All-in-all as my being, and I know it.

I am well, and I know it.

Not only am I well but I am well and I know it.  I cannot be separated into conscious and unconscious being.  I am integrated as Mind and manifestation.  Or as Elizabeth Glass Barlow describes Mary Baker Eddy's approach to her work as a healer in Mary Baker Eddy: A Centennial Appreciation, "To her realization and demonstration were one, not the demonstration trailing the realization, but Mind and manifestation, simultaneous and coexistent." Nothing can separate my experience into parts.  I am wholly spiritual. 

I am well and I know it.  

I am well and I, right here, right now, right in the midst of the screaming of this suggestion, I know that I am well.  It is not just the practitioner's right to know that I am well, I must know the truth of my own conscious being.  I am not hoping and someone else is knowing.  I am aware, assured, confident of the truth of this Truth that is the only reality of my life.  I am not waiting for anyone else to convince me of my wellness, I am well, and I know it.


I am well, I know it.

I am well, and I know it.  I know it the way I know that 2 + 2 = 4.  I know it the way I know that I am me.  I know it and it is as true for me as my love for my husband and daughters.  I am not just thinking it.  I know it.  It is a knowledge that I stand on, walk forward in, move out from, and rest upon. Nothing can dissuade my trust in this emphatic truth.  Nothing can move me off of this sure base.  I rest my case upon the precedence set in countless instances of healing I have experienced, witnessed, heard, read about, and been encouraged by.  I am well and I know it.

I am well, and I know it.

I am well, and I know it, this very truth.  I know it, and nothing can distract me from this one and only truth that I need to stay focused on right now.  There is no other truth as powerful, intriguing, or certain for me in this moment.  I cannot be deterred in my trust in this truth.  There is no suggestion that can violate the impenetrable purity of this truth.  I know it. I have always known it.  It is my life to know that I am well, and that I know I am well.

I AM well, and I know it.
The great I AM, the one and only source of being, conscious worth, illimitable existence is God who is well, whole, inseparable, unfragmented Being...Principle, Mind, Soul, Spirit, Life, Truth and Love...integrated and synonymous...one directly implying the other. The one All-in-allness...the only I AM, that I am is well, and I know it.

I worked with this simple statement word-for-word, over and over again...finding new ways of looking at this truth with each new emphasis of each word...through the heaving and crashing of those waves within that tried to drown me in fear.  And as the pale blue light of morning began to dawn in the east just beyond the big picture window not far from my bed, I began to actually feel the power of the Word...in these words...bringing me into newness of life with regeneration. 

The fear I felt in the predawn darkness...fear that if I lost consciousness, no one would be able to get into the house...already locked down for the night, with me alone inside...dissolved in the light of my oneness with God, Truth. 

All sense of time dissolved in the joy, the real joy, of pondering this short statement from a spiritual perspective.

When I could finally take a deep breath without fear, it was morning and my husband called to tell me that he had been able to catch a last minute flight and would be home within hours to care for my needs, our home, and our daughters (who'd been staying with their dad and stepmom that night).   And he was.

And although I would still need some measure of care (I am so grateful for my husband's loving practical, and spiritual, attention as we moved through the next hours and days) I was able to call my friend later that day and thank her for the Christian Science treatment she had so lovingly given, for the call she'd made in the predawn hours, and for that remarkably simple statement of Truth she'd helped me recall when my hunger for the bread of heaven had been so great.

Simple fare...profoundly satisfying...and healing.
Kate
Kate Robertson, CS

[photo credit: Megan Lannigham 2009]