Sunday, August 16, 2009

"Falling slowly..."

"...You have suffered enough
And warred with yourself
It's time that you won

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you had a choice
You've made it now
Falling slowly sing your melody
I'll sing along..."

-     Glen Hansard

[a note written to a new friend...shared at her suggestion, and with permission..in her hopes that it might help others]

Dear Friend:

I am so glad you thought to call.  I know how hard these months have been for you.  I couldn't help but think of the above verse from "
Falling Slowly" after our conversation this afternoon. 

I know how hard it is, because I have been there myself.  I have been on the battlefield with that false sense of self...the one that tries to convince me I am not worthy of life, love, or compassion. The one that insists my mistakes, or the mistakes of others, have doomed me to a life of perpetual regret and self-doubt.

But those suggestions are not my voice, and they are not yours either.  This inner battle, this relentless warfare with the ego, is not an indication of your weakness, but of your strength.  The "you" that somehow knows these suggestions of self-hatred and self-destruction are wrong, the "you" that picked up the phone, and called for help, the "you" that, as Dylan Thomas once said:

"Rages against the dying of the light"

this very "you" is tangible proof of the Christ in human consciousness.  This "you" is rising, like a phoenix, from the ashes of despair. She is refusing to let a voice...a voice so unlike God's...lull her into a stuporous state of tolerance. She is unwilling to accept a life that lacks joy, purpose, vision, and hope.

That false voice would
never, ever,, in a million years  allow you to pick up the phone and advocate for the real "you," by asking for help in this warfare.  It is the Christ-consciousness, present as your very own thinking, that fights despair, holds onto hope like a drowning man, and knows that there is always an answer, always another way of living, always a different way of looking at yourself. 

It is this Christ-consciousness, operating as an insatiable hunger for healing, that remembers something Mary Baker Eddy describes as:

"A great sanity,
a mighty something buried in the depths of the unseen..."

and it:

"...has wrought a resurrection among you,
and has leaped into living love."

When these suggestions rail against your peace, you can stand...mentally still and immovably fixed...on the certainty that God's love for you...and your purpose in serving Him...is all that rises from the ashes of self-immolation.  Nothing else survives. There is no lingering smoke, no smell of fire.

In another of her writings Eddy urges us:

"Be of good cheer; the warfare with one's self is grand; it gives one plenty of employment, and the divine Principle worketh with you, - and obedience crowns persistent effort with everlasting victory. Every attempt of evil to harm good is futile, and ends in the fiery punishment of the evil-doer."

The evil-doer is never a person...and certainly never you...or me, or any of God's beloved children.  The evil-doer is the suggestion, that comes as the sound of our own voice (in our head).  A voice that insists that we are unworthy of love, goodness, happiness, health, and peace.   That we are incapable of being generous, confident, non-judmental (of ourselves or others).  A voice that hisses like a snake, "you don't make a difference...so why even try?"

But there is always an ember of innocence and joy...a hunger to love and be loved...waiting to leap into living, breathing, palpating affection.  It comes in the voice of a remembering of who we are, and were, as children.  Fearless, generous, spirited, and pure.  We remember. 

It comes as the call...the desire...to mother, to husband, to teach, to heal, to serve, to curl up in the arms of the kinder, gentler "I am" within us. 

This very call within us is the presence of the Christ.  And the Christ that is making that call for help, is the same Christ that is present to answer the call. 

When we stretch forth our hand, to reach for the proffered hand of one who is offering help, we are feeding their hunger to serve humanity by helping others. 

This giving and receiving, is a cycle of divine light and love, refreshing and redeeming each of us, through mutual attention and approbation. 

And it's in the wake of this divine calling, that all are healed and restored. When we rise to a new view of our God-appointed (and annointed) mission in life, nothing can depress our hope, curse what God has blessed, or cause us to doubt the value of our contribution in the lives of others.

Dear sweet friend, thank you for giving me the opportunity, today, to watch my own phoenix-self rise. Your call has given me the gift of knowing that I, too, have a purpose . I cannot be my best self without you...and therein is your purpose today, you are important, vital, needed, valued. 

Your life has beautiful meaning in this moment of mutual giving.  Your hope that you make a difference, that your love matters, and that you are loved...is fulfilled.

You have won...
with affection...and with Love,

Kate

[photo credit: Ashley Bay 2009]

5 comments:

  1. Anonymous11:14 AM

    I am not sure if I can say enough about this blog. It was beautiful. I just cannot believe what an amazing writer you are. When I read it I almost believe everything really will be okay for me too;-) Really I think this blog will be soooo helpful to so many others out there struggling with thoughts of suicide and depression. I just really think it is a fantastic blog Kate. Thank you again for sharing it with us all.
    I love you!

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  2. Anonymous11:17 AM

    Wonderful Kate - tell your friend many thanks for letting this be shared. Youve described well the moral courage that is inherit in us all to take up the call for our higher selfhood! - Kim Crooks Korinek (www.adinfinitum.blogspot.com) - from Facebook

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  3. Anonymous11:20 AM

    Thanks so much, Kate. I especially loved this: "When we stretch forth our hand to reach for the proffered hand of one who is offering help, we are feeding their hunger to serve humanity by helping others." - Amy Duncan (posted on Facebook)

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  4. Anonymous11:22 AM

    Wow Kate, that's an amazing treatment. Thank you for sharing. Powerful. - Wendie Bennett Hosmer (posted from Facebook)

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  5. So tender and beautiful Kate, you are a gifted wise woman. I feel so blessed to be connected with you. You make my childhood religion seem fresh and new and something I want to dive into once again! Plus I adore Glen Hansard!

    Much Love,
    katariina

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