"All my life's a circle..."

"All my life's a circle;
Sunrise and sundown;
Moon rolls thru the nighttime;
Till the daybreak comes around..."
-Harry Chapin

I had a piece all ready to post today and then my mom called yesterday afternoon…and here I am again…on a Tuesday…writing madly…not mad…just madly. 

Okay, so now that I have consented to writing this piece, I am so excited to share the story with you.  It is a story of a divine gift.  One of mercy and grace and such jaw-dropping "oh my gosh God you are soooo cool…and you must love me…a lot!" joy that I found myself dropping into my chair in astonishment last night.  I was rendered speechless for hours…really. 

This story starts in the mid-1990's with a girl in a bagel shop in a little University town in Colorado.  Our town was seriously lacking in coffeehouses at the time and my family owned one of the three scattered near campus.  I needed a break from the charm and chatter of our own place and had heard that another friend had opened a new bagel shop nearby and so I wandered down to check it out. 

"...It seens like I've been here before
I can't remember when;
But I have this funny feeling;
That we'll all be together again.
No straight lines make up my life;
And all my roads have bends;
There's no clear-cut beginnings;
And so far no dead-ends..."

From the moment I walked in it felt like home.  There were quotes and murals of children playing painted on soft terra-cotta walls.  Birdhouses, nests and wildflowers nestled in corners…the colors were gentle and the lights were dimmed.  The tables were at angles and the minute I walked through the door I heard her voice.  Clear, warm and supported from within by just a hint of laughter - her voice was brighter than the bell on the door letting her know someone new had arrived.  It was almost as if her heart was jumping up and down, aching to get out and see who it could love that day…and everyday.  She was behind the counter, but in a moment, like Tinkerbelle,  she was…well, everywhere.  Wiping tables, clearing a plate, offering jam, refilling coffee.  She was a whirlwind of beauty and fire. 

This immediately became my "haunt".  When I wasn't seeing patients or having appointments at our coffeehouse…I was at Wildflour (the name of the bagel shop).  And the feeling was mutual.  She loved our place when she wasn't working for Randy at Wildflour.  We started carrying their bagels at the Prairie Opera Café and they sent all their morning patrons to us for evenings of folk or jazz, amazing vegetarian food (if I do say so myself), and the best hot chocolate in the world.

And Cathe and I became dear friends.  We were different enough to love the other's talents and alike enough to share ideas, style, mutual friends, and dreams.  We both had cottages with Mary Engelbreit front porches and dressed in prairie skirts and boots and loved gardening.

Cathe started her own "magical tea" business after I left for a three year sabbatical in Boston.  And by the time I returned to Colorado, Cathe had moved to Vermont and although we wrote, it was hard to find that place of magic we had shared three years earlier.  I was going through a very difficult time and her new life was just taking off in a way that left me feeling very far away.  Her courage in taking brave steps left me feeling as if I was living out from what others thought of me…rather than with conviction of the heart.  It was easier to just convince myself that I was right and distance myself, than it was to face my own self-doubt.  Our letter writing dropped away and I moved to another state - and before I knew it years had passed and I no longer knew if she was still in Vermont.  She wasn't.  When I finally found the courage to look for her again…she was gone and all the google-ing in the world didn't help me one bit in finding her. 

I've thought about her a million times and wondered where she ended up, what her life looked like (I was sure it was beautiful, charming and warm) and if she was still creating magical moments for the people who were blessed to wander into whatever bagel shop or tea house she either worked for…or owned.

Then my mom called yesterday.  My brother and I were on the phone, deep in conversation, when I started hearing a "call waiting" beep in my ear interspersed with my cell phone ringing every few minutes.  Our call was important, and I never interrupt a call for call-waiting (I just have it on there so I can no that I missed a call and check voicemail once I am through) so I let it ring and ring, commenting to my brother that "someone really wants to talk to me"!

When I got off the call with him I immediately checked all the calls and there were a few from my mom's cell phone.  I knew that she was in Maine with my sisters, so I called her without even checking the voicemails she had left.  When I reached her it was like I was hearing my mommy from when I was ten.  She had that giggly sound in her voice that she gets when she has found, and saved for, and bought you the bestest Christmas present and she can't wait for you to open it on Christmas morning. 

She proceeded to do the most annoying thing she could have done since I already knew from the sound of her voice that she was very excited to share something with me.  She said, "So I was looking for Fawn and Lila (my sisters) who were window shopping and I noticed that they were in the cutest shop talking with the salesgirl and guess who it was?"

Okay, I am not one to play guessing games with and this was a particularly bad time to do it, but I decided that since I love her soooo much I would go with it.  So I thought for a moment and said, "Hmm, cutest shop...Cathe."  I hadn't even given it a moment's thought and out it came.  I think we were both so shocked…because I was right.  

"...I found you a thousand times;
I guess you done the same;
But then we lose each other;
It's like a children's game..."

Mom went on to tell me the whole story, but I couldn't wait to get off the phone and call Cathe at the number my mom had given me.  Now don't get me wrong, I have a best friend…she and I talk or write all the time, but this was different.  This was like having Tinkerbelle – a magical friendship that almost felt dream-like and maybe not quite real as the years piled up on my memories of it.  I needed to talk to her…to let her know that she was special and not-forgotten.  That those years we all shared together were some of the most precious of my life.   There was an imperative to let her know that she had made a difference.  That her example of courage and grace were often vital to me as I took scary steps forward into a dark unknown.  That her life had left little breadcrumbs of light promising me that I was not alone….no matter how far down the path and out of sight she had already traveled in front of me.

"...As I find you here again;
A thought runs through my mind;
Our love is like a circle;
Let's go 'round one more time..."

I didn't get her on the phone, so I sent an email to the email address that mom had also given me.  This morning I got a reply.  It was all her…full of joy and beautiful words and giggles you could read between the lines.

I immediately went to the kitchen and brewed myself a pot of tea.  I took it to my office before I sat down to write her back.  Who knows what magic lies waiting beneath a pine tree, on a patch of moss, among the fairies…for our friendship.  We'll see…but for today I am completely grateful for God's gift (and mom and Lila and Fawn's) of mercy and love and joy, in reconnecting us…so randomly from across a continent and beyond my wildest dreams. 

I feel deeply blessed by each of my dear girlfriends, including my mom and my sisters, my daughters (and their birthmothers). This last year or so I have discovered, with such clarity, what friendship really means and that these girls/women (as well a few guys out there...especially my brothers and husband) are the most important gifts that God has given me.  But this post is about a friendship lost...and found, about Cathe, and how honored and humbled I am that God has graced my life with this precious friend…again.  When I told my husband, who knew how I had been searching for her, about my mom's call…he very gently said, "Of course.."

"...All my life's a circle;
But I can't tell you why;
Season's spinning round again;
The years keep rollin' by..."

Thank you God for your unspeakable gifts…
Kate