"One step enough for me..."

"Once in a vision I came on some woods
And stood at a fork in the road
My choices were clear yet I froze with the fear
Of not knowing which way to go
Oh, one road was simple acceptance of life
The other road offered sweet peace
When I made my decision
My vision became my release"
-Dan Fogelberg

Sometimes the options that present themselves are not between things that are either good or bad, right or wrong, better or best…sometimes both options are good, holy, intelligent, and loving. 

These are the decisions that always have me up all night tossing and turning…or pacing the floor. 

Such was the case earlier this year.  My husband and I were offered the opportunity to move to a mountain town we loved, near family members we adore, in order for him to start a business that seemed perfectly suited to his talents and professional experience.  The location of both the home and the business could not have been more ideal and therefore, the decision couldn't have been harder.

Harder because this move would have required our school-age daughters to choose whether to live (during the school year) with either their dad and his wife, or my husband and I…and then spend long weekends, holidays, breaks and the summer with the other parents. 

There were wonderful opportunities for the girls in each location and we (their dad and I) had agreed that the decision would be left up to them…but something in my heart would not allow me to feel completely at peace.  That is until one morning…actually the morning we were to finalize an important contract we had traveled almost a thousand miles to sign in order to "seal the deal".  I woke, as I had for over a month with a sense of sadness so deep that a sob burst from my chest like the first breath of someone who has been revived from a near drowning.  It was as if I was coming back to life from nearly drowning in confusion and indecision.  But with that sob came clarity…I knew. 

Suddenly the option that had seemed so desirable (and reasonable) for months was absolutely not the right course of action.   It was so clear to me that to ask our daughters to choose who (and where) they wanted to live with for a majority of their year was not right.  They needed both their daddy and their mommy (and their wonderful stepparents) throughout the school year, breaks, and summers.  The schedule that had been working so beautifully throughout the previous year was already perfect and our partnering as parents (with their stepparents) was becoming such a joy.   I realized that there was nothing that we could do in Colorado that we couldn't do in St. Louis, but there were very important things that we couldn't do in separate states that we could only do if we all lived in the same location.  My husband woke, that morning, with the same realization and within hours we were on our way, joyously, back home…back to living in a city that only months before had felt so far from being our "dream home"  in the mountains.

But how had we gotten to that fork in the road?  Why couldn't we have known what was the right path without having invested the time and energy…and resources..in exploring the other option? 

Although we had taken every prayer-based step with confidence…it wasn't confidence in our ability to hear God's long-term plan…it was confidence in knowing that at each juncture along the way we could, and would, stop and ask God for the next step.  Only the next step.  In fact, only the day before our morning epiphany,  a dear friend had reminded me that I was not only loved by God, but "loved and led". 

The next day as we wended our way home to St. Louis across the plains of eastern Colorado and the long stretch of Kansas prairie, I felt the truth of that statement. Not only had we been loved and led, but so had everyone else.  Long before we reached the Kansas/Colorado border each of the commitments that we had tentatively made to our new home and business beautifully unraveled in a way that left everyone feeling at peace with not our decision, but also leaving them feeling that they had come to the conclusion themselves.  In fact, in both cases where we were in contract negotiations, the other party offered us an "out"…without any penalty…financial or social.  Each party thought that they had been the one to "rethink" the wisdom of the sale or lease of their property.  And the contract we had on the house "back home"  (a contract that would have required our moving within a month) was re-negotiated in a way that allowed us to stay in our home….a house where the girls knew their bedroom as well as the back of their hand and where I had already planted herbs and pansies in window boxes and in deep clay posts on the large front porch.

By the time we arrived in front of the broad stairs leading to our front door my heart had shifted.  I was home…in every way.  I was not there as a compromise, I was not there "temporarily", I was there because it was where God had led us through love. 

As I looked around our beautiful urban university neighborhood…surrounded by an amazing city park, museums, an internationally acclaimed zoo, gardens, theatres, restaurants, coffeehouses, a bookstore, and a free-trade market, all within walking distance it was as if I had woken up to true joy and satisfaction that had always been right in front of me.  I didn't need to go anywhere…when my husband and I let the love in our hearts (for our daughters) lead us, step by step…our eyes were opened to the most amazing sense of home, family, community, neighbors, and friends we had ever known.
And in the process we adopted a summer/holiday "home" community that we also feel a strong sense of love and commitment to.

I feel like Dorothy waking up in her bedroom in that simple Kansas farmhouse surrounded by Auntie Em, Zeke and friends…I know now what she meant…home is not a place…home is where love is.  And there really is "no place like home"…wherever it is…today.

"Lead, kindly Light,
amid the encircling gloom,
Lead Thou me on;
The night is dark,
and I am far from home,
Lead Thou me on.
Keep Thou my feet;
I do not ask to see
The distant scene;
one step enough for me…"
- John Henry Newman
CS Hymnal #169

with gratitude,
Kate

Enjoy this video tribute to Dan Fogelberg which includes "Netherland," the song referenced in the epigraph above.