"...eternity in bloom..."

"…Life is eternal
And love is immortal
And death is only a horizon
And a horizon is nothing
Save the limit of our sight…"
-Carly Simon/Teesa Gohl

Today is the 53rd time the earth has circled the sun during this chapter of my "life"…or as our ten-year-old daughters would say…"oooh Mommy is 53 years old today."  I'm not a big birthday person. I forget mine, I forget most of my siblings' birthdays (I have seven) until well after it is too late to call them…and rarely in time to buy a card and send it so that it gets there on the day.  I make light of it, but Nancy, Linda, Ricky, Wayde, Lila, Fawn and Shawn…I really do feel awful when it happens…really awful. 

If three of my daughters didn't have the same birthday, I am not sure if I would do any better with their "special day."   Thank goodness for my cellphone's calendar feature.  I can set alarms for all five of the children.

Anyone who has spent any time talking with me about the issues of life and death has heard the above lyrics from Simon and Gohl.  I have typed them on so many memorial websites and guestbooks that I can key them in my sleep.  I love this explanation about death…or really about life.  To see that death is not the limit of someone's life, but only the limit of what we are able see of their life…is so consonant with what I have come to know through my own experiences and what I have witnessed of the "death" process.  And it takes my breath away.

But today I am replacing the word death with the word birth.  My birth, though a wonderful, joyous moment of meeting my mom face to face, and discovering a new landscape to play in, was not the beginning of my life.  I may no longer remember my experiences prior to my birth, but I have no doubt that I had them, that they were full of lessons learned and people loved, and that I was a completely mature conscious being.

My birth was a horizon…and only a limit to what I remember of my pre-birth experience or what anyone else on this side of the horizon sees of that pre-birth chapter of my life.

So…as Simon and Gohl recommend:

"I've been doing a lot of thinking
About growing older and moving on
Nobody wants to be told that they're getting on
For a long, long stay
But just how long and who knows
And how and where my spirit will go
Will it soar like Jazz on a saxophone
Or evaporate on a breeze
Won't you tell me please..."

My experience has proven to me that I will not "soar like jazz on a saxophone" there (wherever there is)…unless I have begun to do so here.  The body that I have now is my highest sense of how thought…consciousness…is embodied today.  When I dream I have this same body,  I know that when I move on from this chapter of my life I will have the same body…just as flexible, lithe, strong, toned…as I do at the moment of my transition beyond your horizon of seeing.  Until my concept of body changes, I'm stuck with the one I'm entertaining in thought.  Thank goodness thought is ever evolving, developing, de-enveloping from all the "education" we have been handed.  Sometimes it's almost as if someone is walking around with a tray of "aging" canapés at a reception offering, "A flabby tummy or a missed opportunity, ma'am?"  No thanks…I think I'll pass.  I'm eating "raw" these days…the simple diet of kindness, laughter, silence, love.   The recipe for a beautiful body of thought, a strong body of work, a flexible body of family.

But if right here I have learned to soar like jazz on a saxophone, or evaporate on a breeze, or walk on water, or live without chocolate…well, I think that's what I'm gonna take with me. 

"...Here on earth I'm a lost soul
Ever trying to find my way back home
Maybe that's why each new star is born
Expanding heaven's room
Eternity in bloom..."

I do like thinking that heaven is expanding, making room for new stars in my life.  That right here, and right now, "eternity's in bloom."  Isn't this what pregnancy, motherhood, and parenting is all about?  Falling in love, graduating from high school, climbing Machu-Pichu…eternity in bloom.

"...And will I see you up in that heaven
In all it's light will I know you're there
Will we say the things that we never dared
If wishing makes it so
Won't you let me know..."

I know that there are things you and I don't dare say…but why? Are we afraid of rejection, judgment, or of being thought silly?  Why wait until some far-off "heaven"…why not now, why not here…heaven on earth?  We all know each other here…this is the place…this is the time…to say all the things we "never dared"…because,

"…life is eternal
And love is immortal
And death is only a horizon
Life is eternal
As we move into the light
And a horizon is nothing
Save the limit of our sight
Save the limit of our sight."

So, on my birthday…as my children celebrate 53 rotations of this planet around our central star since I started this chapter of my life…I beg each of us…say the things to one another that we never dared…

…soar like jazz on a saxophone…

live eternity in bloom…

because Life is eternal…

thanks Carly…thanks Mom,
Kate