"at times you'll lose your faith in me..."

"You will lose
your baby teeth,
At times, you'll lose your faith in me.
You may lose a lot of things,
but you cannot lose Her love..."

As you probably noticed, I took lyrical liberty with Sara Groves'  "You Cannot Lose My Love"  in the epigraph above. God's love - and all that goes with it - is the one thing I am certain that we can never lose.

Being mom is not easy. There is absolutely no way to know how to do it -- until you are doing it. I am the oldest of eight children. I was the big sister. I helped my parents raise my younger siblings from the time I was old enough to hold my sister's hand as we crossed the street. I learned how to make Cream of Wheat for eight people, by the time I was ten. I could change a diaper at six, and keep toddlers entertained for hours by before I was eight. But I was not prepared for motherhood.

Motherhood is not about tasks and responsibilities.  It just includes a lot of them.  Motherhood is about surrendering everything for another person's needs, wants, hopes and dreams.

Motherhood is the most intimate relationship I have ever been in -- and I never saw the depth of it coming. From the moment my daughters were in my arms, I ceased to have a body of my own. There was not a square inch of my being that they didn't have access to. I no longer had the freedom to disappear into my own little world. Every penny I made, was for them -- first. Every choice I faced, went through the filter of what was best for them. Every decision was colored by how it would effect them. And believe it our not, it all gives me such joy.

But it has also made me very sad at times. I have made mistakes. Considerable ones. I know I have disappointed them, and myself. But I can honestly say that each time, I was doing the best I knew how with the information and experiences that I'd had to date. Every mother does. Of this I am most sure. We are all just showing up each day wondering if our words will help, confuse, humiliate, or inspire. We pray that we will make the right choice. We wonder if this will be the day that we will finally feel like we are doing it right.

And that is the one common denominator in my every day -- prayer. I pray each day that I won't let our children down. That I won't do or say something that makes them lose their faith in the reliability of my love for them. But I don't always succeed. So here is what I know. It's not about me -- or my ability to always do it all right.

It's about God -- the one Mother that will never let them down. All I can do is model a radical trust in Her. All I can do is be an example of what it means to pray, do my best, perhaps fail -- and if so, seek her mercy, because She is merciful.

They may fail as parents. They may not always make the decisions that will make their own children happy. But if I can show them that even in the midst of our failures we are still loved, we can still hope, and that we are capable of persevering in our desire to do right by our children -- then, I will have succeeded in turning them towards a Mother-figure who will always be there for them.

There was a point in my life when I felt that I had failed them terribly. I wrestled mightily with self-doubt and regret. Had I made the right decision? Did I even deserve to be their mother? Would this "chapter" in our lives leave them doubting the wisdom in trusting God?

And then I thought about all the examples of motherhood that I most admired. These were not perfect humans. They were persistent examples of turning to God, models of forgiveness, and humble mentors of grace.

Today, I am moved by all the ways that divine Love is parenting us all -- as parents. To know God as Love, is my one goal. When I know how God loves, I will know how to love others more consistently. When I have failed, God has always loved me forward out of the pit of self-doubt and despair. It is this kind of love - in the midst of my human failings - that has taught me most about the love that uplifts, transforms, and heals. And it is this Love that never fails.

My children may lose their faith in me. But my prayer is that they never lose their faith in God. Her love will never leave them. Her love will never fail them.

offered with Love,

Kate